Continuing a long-standing “Adam” tradition, I spent the NFL championship game grading everything from the pregame events, to the play on the field, commercials and halftime show. The quick TLDR (to long; didn’t read): The game was great, the rest was serviceable.

I don’t want to say I was underwhelmed, but I didn’t feel anything really stood out that would shine like a beacon across the universe to let the aliens know to stop sending UFOs for our military to shoot down. That’s actually a future column by itself.

Ok, before we get started, my completely unscientific grading system is done with a pen and paper in hand, children trying their best to distract me, and some sort of chip/dip and meatball combo to keep me seated on the couch for four hours. More points are rewarded for giving me “the feels”, making me belly laugh, or a clever take on a subject or subjects. I am also a sucker for cameos, and in that regard, this year’s commercials did not disappoint.

I also only grade the commercials from kickoff to confetti, while skipping the later segment of halftime, as those are usually replays or local commercials so that viewers have a chance to use the restroom.

So, without further ado…

Babyface played/sang America the Beautiful — 3.5/5.

Chris Stapleton played the national anthem — 4/5. This would have been a 5/5, because he is uber talented, but man… It seemed to take forever. It actually didn’t! I had the “over” on the 2:05 length, and he came in four seconds shy! But it seems liked a solid 15 minutes in the moment. I told my kid that all the pomp and ceremony before the game would have bothered me as a player — you would have entered the field with all the adrenaline pumping, then spend 15 minutes just standing there until kick off.

Pregame ceremonies are simply boring to me, and I could totally do without. I think this is where professional wrestling does it right — hype music, fans go crazy, maybe a microphone to talk smack in front of a sold-out stadium… That would be more entertaining than a ref trying to explain a coin flip. “The side with the logos is … uh … heads. And the one with the Super Bowl logo is tails.” Maybe they should just put the SB logo on both sides, and each team gets their own side, and then whichever helmet is facing up, that team wins the toss. Novel, right?

The game itself was pretty entertaining. I rarely raised my voice at the TV, except for a handful of “that’s not a catch, clearly” and “that’s clearly a catch” while watching replays. I was 2-for-3 on those. The game came down to the final minute, and KC beat Philly on a chip-shot field goal. I give the game a 4.5/5. It was very solid, especially for me being completely uninvested in which team won. I think if anything, I was happy to see Andy Reid get a second ring, and against his old team no less. 

For the commercials, there are usually a handful that score a perfect rating for me. This year there were none. I gave five ads a 4.5/5 rating, however. 

My favorites (4.5), in no order: 

●  Avocados from Mexico with Anna Ferris

●  Michelob Ultra’s Caddyshack dance party

●  GMC’s EV line, with Will Ferrell

●  Courting Air, the Nike/Michael Jordan movie trailer

●  Ram EV (Premature electrification)

And of the five, I think the Ram EV won me over. I never would have expected Ram to win me over with anything, yet here we are.

My 4/5s included Dave Grohl/Crown Royal; Bud Light call waiting; Doritos/Breaking Bad mashup; UW-Health; The Farmer’s Dog; Doritos triangle with Jack Harlow; E-Trade with the baby wedding; Clueless/Rakuten; and Draft Kings with a wide variety of cameos. 

Rihanna’s halftime show was fair to me. Her music library is huge, with so many great pop hits. The vertical moving hanging boxes were an interesting, dangerous, and yet appealing spectacle. And Ri Ri showed off her baby bump, as she’s expecting Baby No. 2 now, less than a year after Baby No. 1 entered the world. 

When I saw the bump, I wasn’t sure if she was pregnant again, or if the other baby had just come out — I don’t pay attention to these things. When I read on a Google search that she was, in fact, pregnant again, I upgraded the entire halftime performance from a 5/10 to a solid 6.5/10. She risked the lives of both herself and her fetus to be on those wannabe Mario Brothers moving blocks, multiple stories in the air, in the dark. Meanwhile, I finished my plate of 25 meatballs and complained that my back hurt because the pillow behind me on the couch was off-center.

My full respect, and my Manchester United hat is off to Rihanna, who PERFORMED A 20 MINUTE ROUTINE AT HALFTIME OF THE SUPER BOWL WHILST PREGNANT.

I guess the best part about all of this is that by the time you read this piece, Pitchers and Catchers will have reported to Spring Training, and the baseball season can officially commence. Just beware of that incoming blizzard. And UFOs.

— Adam Krebs is the editor of the Times and can be reached at editor@themonroetimes.com. He eagerly awaits the MLB season, the return of Ted Lasso, and the intergalactic crossover that will bring the return of Alf and ET. Ideally, the series opening scene would be them shot down by the U.S. military over the Lake Huron and the two find themselves in a small Michigan lakeshore town and make new friends before going on a shenanigan-filled adventure across America in order to reconnect with their prior Hollywood families in California.