October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. As this isn’t a favorite topic of conversation for most people, it is the sincere hope that in order to gain a better understanding and help save lives, some things might need to be addressed. Silence is compliance.
Domestic abuse is more than bumps and bruises. It is also manipulation, gaslighting, lies, repeat infidelity, stalking, isolation, and forced intimacy. While many abuses are never reported, 32 people experience intimate partner violence, every minute of each day in the United States. That equals to 1,920 people per hour, and 46,080 individuals that are reporting domestic abuse with an intimate partner each and every day. Domestic abuse happens to both men and women. Nearly every 1 in 2 women in the United States will face physical violence from an intimate partner at some point in their lives. 1 in 4 men in the United States have endured physical violence from an intimate partner. [breakthecycle.org]
Over a five-year study, the percentage of violent crimes within domestic relationships increased, according to an FBI study that was released in February of this year. Law enforcement reported more than 11,000 domestic violence murder victims and an additional 1.1 million victims of domestic violence. Nearly 75 percent of the victims were female. [fbi.gov]
Many people may not be familiar with the term “flying monkeys”. The reference comes from the characters from “The Wizard of Oz” musical film from 1939. The creatures were first introduced in the original 1900 storybook, “The Wonderful Wizard of Oz” by L. Frank Baum. Most people reading this are familiar with the story, but not everyone will understand the metaphor.
The term “flying monkeys” refers to individuals who act on behalf of an abuser. The acts are sometimes deliberate, but most are done by individuals who have no idea they are playing a part in a facade, not based in reality. The ‘flying monkeys’ can be mutual friends, family members, people in the community, and mutual acquaintances that the abuser and the victim share. As it is believed that most individuals do not realize they are part of the abuse, there are others who happily engage in it. Those individuals are fans of the abuser, due to a shared dislike of the target person, or enjoy the opportunity as an outlet to do harm to others instead of working on problematic issues with themselves.
While the conditions are different for each circumstance, overall the community situation remains the same. Things typically begin with a rumor in the community, as said by an intimate partner, whose only goal is to keep and maintain control of their target. The ‘truth’ is often a mean-spirited comment or direct lie that begins with the abuser, and is spread by one or more of his/her flying monkeys. The comment is used to make the abused person appear crazy and unstable. If later, the abuse is revealed in public, then the person is discredited, and the abuse goes on, often times getting worse.
Many people might accidentally engage in the ‘flying monkey’ performance without realizing there is any abuse going on. These individuals might see themselves as ‘helpers’, believing that if they say the ‘right thing’ the situation will correct itself. They often are sent by the abuser, unknowingly; to ask an important question, reference a certain scenario, bring up the name of the abuser, or speak a ‘trigger word’ that is used to manipulate the target. Again, it is important to note that these individuals don’t realize they are relaying a darker conversation. They think that they are fixing something between two people, to repair a relationship or clear up a misunderstanding.
In both cases, the person being abused believes the abuser, and the conversations of the ‘flying monkeys’, therefore has a distorted understanding that everyone collectively has the same ill-will toward them. This form of isolation begins socially, before the abuser moves the ‘victim’ further away from friends and loved ones, first with words, then with miles in between. After a while, any interactions between the person that is abused and loved ones, is often done with the abuser in the room or within earshot of any conversation that person might have with the ‘outside world’. The distorted story that the abuser shares with the community is re-lived in repeated conversations until the victim’s actions are predictable and controlled.
It was once believed that the ‘flying monkeys’ were used as a last resort to keep control of the target once that individual saw the facade, and watched the mask fall off of their abuser. In narcissistic abuse control, it is now the shared understanding between professionals that the facade can start as early as the first date, once the abuser has selected their target. The individual who is targeted might not see the ‘red flags’ right away, and welcome the story of the person they are beginning this new relationship with because they appear sincere and charming. The end result tends to be control and manipulation, even in the beginning of the relationship when things are good between the two.
The target usually has a kind heart who will give several chances to an individual because they can see a lot of potential in the abuser, even if they never see any effort from that person to do better. Most people have a relaxed version of themselves when they are home. For the person being abused and living with their abuser, there isn’t any form of peace within the residence, unless they comply with the difficult demands of the one who is delivering the abuse.
Recognizing the patterns of domestic abuse and understanding the role of the ‘flying monkeys’ provides clarity, and empowers targets and their supporters to further protect themselves. Community members can disengage from conversations that they have not heard first hand, and second guess a decision to bring up an ex-boyfriend or ex-spouse to an individual, especially if they don’t see a pleasant conversation resulting from the interaction. On the contrary, the intentional ‘flying monkeys’ in each situation rarely asks for proof, sees no wrongdoing in their behavior, and will continue to report all findings back to the abuser, even years after the target has broken free.
If you think a friend or loved one is in a domestic violence situation, there are a few questions to ask if you are able to get them alone. Begin with asking about allowance of free time, adding hobbies to add further interest to the conversation. Constant ‘togetherness’ ‘hovering’ and ‘stalking’ can be a sign that something is wrong. Asking if someone is ‘okay’ is a good question to ask, but chances are the person is used to answering with a quick “I’m fine” response. Be their ‘listening ear’ and help provide a safe space for them to talk and share their experience, while keeping the conversation private. If the abused is transparent with their abuser, help set up a gentle intervention with someone who can help reassure them that they are not alone. The goal is to free the target from the abuser, while they work toward maintaining a healthy environment for themselves.
Seek professional help. There are programs to protect victims, who make it their mission to assist with legal actions; as well as provide medical assistance, a safe environment, therapy and counseling, food and shelter, and give financial assistance to those in need. ‘Family Advocates’ in Lafayette, Grant, and Iowa Counties 24-hour helpline: 1-800-924-2624. For other inquiries: Lafayette and Iowa Counties: 608-778-8714, Grant County: 608-348-5995. ‘Green Haven 4 Help’ in Green County 24-hour crisis line: 608-325-7711. ‘Passages of Richland County’ 24-hour toll free hotline: 800-236-4325. ‘Safe Harbor in Iowa County’ 24-hour support line: 801-444-9161.
