Now that I’ve reached the regal age of 50, I’ve come to understand that my ability to be “cool” is eroding like the Grand Canyon.

I have several examples of my growing, age-related uncoolness. One of the signs is important to note — I don’t mind becoming uncool. That’s probably the last lynchpin removed to show that you’ve given up being cool.

For example, despite the fact that the color of socks no longer has a huge bearing on culture, I wear black socks with sandals. I know, gasp, how uncool this is for a once 1980s teenager? I’ve gone that far, so, there really is no coming back.

For many years I’ve had my hair cut by the stylist with a No. 3-length clipper. This has basically given me a buzz cut. Over the past several months I’ve grown my hair longer and recently had a haircut. I asked that the No. 3 clipper be used on the back and sides, but that the top be left longer, so I could comb it myself. My reasoning for this?

“At 50 I still have hair on the top of my head when many others my age don’t, so I might as well show off that I’m not bald,” I told the stylist.

My entire rationale is uncool.

A cool guy would just keep buzzing their hair or decide to shave their head. I do have a full head of hair, but the fact that I consciously want to allow people to note that I have hair is uncool.

Cool men make quick and fast decisions about their hair and don’t care what other people think.

I have growing amounts of gray in my hair, which I’ve left alone. No, I’ve not colored my hair or beard, so, I have kept a last bastion of some coolness regarding my hair intact.

Losing one’s coolness doesn’t have everything to do with personal appearance. There are many other signs.

My wife and I adopted a cat from the Green County Humane Society and it has become a wonderful addition to our family. The cat, “Polly,” has also started to run my life.

I feed and clean-up after the cat. I enjoy these tasks — totally uncool. I love the cat and have discovered I’m way more of a cat person than a dog person — again, for a once-rugged man, this is totally uncool. Finally, I’ve discovered that the cat would have no problems with both killing and eating me, and I’m OK with that. This means with my pet I’ve reached the pinnacle of uncool. 

Polly is very kind and loving toward me, but she continually is trying to trip me down stairs. This is a common issue for cat owners, but when you identify this and decide you’re fine with it and just need to “be careful,” you’ve given up on who is dominant in your relationship — the cat is dominant. 

The cat has licked my hands with its sand-paper-like tongue and I believe it may have developed a “taste” for me. I’m certain if I were home alone with the cat, and I died and could no longer feed the cat, it would eat me.

Cool guys I know own German shepherds, labradors or other “macho” breeds of dogs. I have a cat named “Polly,” who both loves me and wants to eat me.

I’m fine with that, which is completely uncool.

There are many other signs of uncoolness that have developed in my life. After years of owning four-wheel-drive SUVs, including full-sized Ford Broncos and GMC Jimmys, I now drive a four-door sedan made by… Nissan.

This is somewhat of a tragedy as my father was a UAW autoworker, and at one point in my life, I would never own a foreign car. Or a “car” at all. Now I enjoy my sedan with its heated seats and internal GPS system. I personally can no longer find my way around the state, and rely on an electronic map to tell me where to go, meanwhile, my bum remains warmed by an electric seat.

This is a long, long way from my previous “cool” self when I used my Bronco to go off road and used chains to pull vehicles from snow banks. There are few things cooler than using your cool stuff and knowledge to do cool things other uncool people cannot do.

I don’t talk about my vehicle’s horsepower, torque or towing capacity, but rather its excellent gas mileage. When I went to deer camp there were eight vehicles parked by the cabin – seven GMC full-sized trucks or SUVs and one enormous Ford quad cab. My Nissan sedan was the most uncool vehicle of the bunch.

I do not own a recreational vehicle, ATV, snowmobile, motorcycle or other, flashy seasonal conveyance. These are all signs that when put in a competition of “coolness” vs. my peers, I’m absolutely uncool.

I once was a cool person. I wore contact lenses and sunglasses. I had a most enviable mullet that was full and beautiful with hair reaching my shoulder blades. I read GQ and Interview.

Today my hobbies include reading local history and studying the minute details of World Wars I and II, especially the operation of mechanized armored units and all the vehicles involved. I listen to old-time radio shows. I read local newspapers, national newspapers and I listen to the BBC.

I’m no longer cool and I don’t care, thus, I submit my days of being cool are officially over. I’ve retired to be a kind soul, who likes fleece blankets, naps, reading, writing and other ancient, revered pastimes.

I may not be able to talk about popular culture, but if you’d like to talk about the settlement of southern Wisconsin, prescription medications or the nuances of The Battle of Kursk, feel free to give me a ring.

— Matt Johnson is publisher of the Monroe Times. His column is published Wednesdays.