As the earth “goes to sleep” for the winter, this is a time of year that presents death to our mortal minds. Statistically, November through March are also the months where the most people die in the US. The reality of grief is also felt more poignantly during events like Thanksgiving and Christmas that are traditional times for family gatherings. So, both nature and personal experience bring this topic to mind.
As Americans, we are often surrounded by messages of consumerism, maximizing pleasure, minimizing pain, and creating safety and security. Hence we are conditioned to not spend time thinking about death. This avoidance can make the experience of the death of a loved one more complicated to navigate. We do well to think of our eventual death from time to time, as it is a gateway to pondering the ultimate questions. Why am I here? What is my life about? What gives meaning and purpose to living? What happens after I die? Is there a spiritual dimension of my existence that might live on past death?
My anecdotal experience over the last 14 years as a priest is that fewer families are deciding to hold Church services for their loved ones when they die. A study confirmed my suspicion, which stated that in 2012 49.5% of Americans felt that a religious component in a funeral of a loved one is very important. That number dipped to 35.4% in 2019, rose after COVID, but has once again continued to decline in the past few years (study published by Raphael Bohne, Mar. 21, 2024).
I believe that our tendency towards avoidance and our fear of death contribute to this decline of turning towards religion when a loved one dies. From my perspective, this is sad, since our faith communities are particularly well suited to support and orient families during their grief. Why? Because we are all about pondering the ultimate questions and we have beliefs and practices that direct us towards answers to those questions. We also have communities that can offer connection and care to individuals who are grieving.
Readers, if you are older and it matters to you that your family and friends hear the message of your faith community proclaimed to them at the time of your funeral, don’t be afraid to lay that expectation out now. If you’re a caretaker for a loved one, gently engage the conversation about what they believe happens after death and ask what their wishes would be for a funeral. If someone expresses that they don’t feel like a “fuss” should be made over them after they die, reassure them that they are worthy of having people gather to remember them, to pray for them, and to be strengthened by the community.
Catholics believe that the funeral rituals serve to help both the living and the dead. Following 2 Maccabees, we believe that praying for the dead is acting “in a very excellent and noble way, inasmuch as [we have] the resurrection in mind” (cf. 2 Mc 12:43). It also provides an opportunity to express our belief in the communion of the saints, that is, our communion with believers who have gone before us, as well as our communion with one another. It is also an opportunity for the hope of eternal life to be proclaimed.
Please don’t deprive our dead of the honor and prayers they deserve. Let’s not cave to a culture that avoids facing the big questions and delays the stages of grief by foregoing time-tested rituals at the time of death.
— Reflections appears regularly on the religion page. The column features a variety of local writers, coordinated through the Monroe Area Clergy Group. Fr. Dave Carrano is the Parochial Administrator of St. Clare of Assisi Parish (Monroe and Brodhead), St. Francis Parish (Belleville and Albany), and St. Joseph Church (Argyle), working as part of a team of three priests.
