I know that nobody believes me when I tell them, but I truly haven’t eaten very many sweets during adulthood. 

The sugary texture and gut rot just are not my jam anymore — that’s not to say I don’t every once in a while dig through the office bowl to see what’s available.

When you are a kid, everything in life is about candy. It’s a treat, but it’s delicious and while not healthy it’s a storm of pleasure in your mouth. 

Plus, there is candy for nearly every situation. Halloween, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Easter — those are just the main holidays each quarter of the year.

Chocolates, suckers, gummies and mixtures. There are a variety of sugary sweets that can really hit the taste buds.

Except mine.

While I love Oreos and would eat an entire package in one sitting before remembering to breathe, I try to look away when shopping by myself in the grocery store. The kids love them, and I remember all the sweets we would have sitting in the pantry closet growing up. It’s enticing, but it’s not my jam anymore. Instead a PB&J sandwich is how I’ve spent a lot of my adult life — oh, and bags and bags of King’s Hawaiian rolls.

Halloween, however, is a different story. It’s always been a different story.

Where else is cosplaying in public so normal? Kids, adults, babies and dogs — this isn’t the San Diego Comic Con, yet it’s widely accepted by all. Then others just give away their snacks and treats in little bite-size forms. And others give away full-size candy bars and bags of M&M’s. I call these people heroes.

When our kids were done Trick-or-Treating this year (and Trunk-or-Treating), we spilled the candy out on the kitchen table and separated the loot by make and model to see what all we had.

Twix and Snickers were the number one winners this year. I only stole the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Oh, and a vanilla Tootsie Roll. (Sorry kids, but you’ll never know who took them because you don’t read my articles).

Typically, I’ve had a “one-treat-a-day” rule for each kid in the house that was always written in pencil. It was easy to erase the non-binding agreement on a practically daily basis. But after the big holidays, the kids are glutenous to say the least — they eat enough to make themselves sick and then complain all weekend. That’s usually when the candy goes bye-bye for a few weeks before they re-discover the now-mostly eaten stash that was consumed by mom, dad and aunts and uncles. 

But we’re adults, and we know how to handle it.

Or rather, we pretend that we do. Because while I don’t get sick to my stomach anymore from too much artificial sugar, I give myself constant brain freezes while eating ice cream or sherbet. Like, I slam tables and pound the floor with my feet in pain, but as soon as there is a half of a second of relief — BAM — another excessive spoonful enters my gullet and the process begins again.

Every once in a while I like to think I’ve finally figured out this adulting thing. And then I have another brain freeze and realize I am just a 6-year-old with voting rights.

But you only live once, so I guess I’ll just keep splurging on the Oreo Blizzards and pretend that I don’t eat candy. Because I don’t. Except for Halloween. And when it’s in ice cream. Or when I catch a craving.

Don’t judge.

— Adam Krebs is a reporter for the Times and has only choked on candy three times in 33 years. He can be reached at akrebs@themonroetimes.net.