By allowing ads to appear on this site, you support the local businesses who, in turn, support great journalism.
Gadgets and lies don't make the man
Placeholder Image
Lately I have noticed something that, quite frankly, irritates me. A recent article in Cosmopolitan is the straw that broke my backbone of restraint. This week we are going to talk about men.

Take it from me, a guy who can still go out and build something using little more than my raw intellect, bare hands and some 16-penny nails - guys in real life are not as they are being portrayed. Recognize this scenario:

Queue the typical male, an overweight balding sloth parked comatose on the couch watching "THE GAME", knuckles dragging as he reaches for the Bud Light. Then, in comes the stunningly beautiful, witty and sassy wife who shoos the flies from his drooling mouth, says something sarcastically, to which the guy mumbles and drools a monosyllabic grunt. Sound familiar?

Or, how about this commercial: Cut to an exhausted and pathetic-looking dude, dutifully trailing his significant other in a large shopping mall environment. Voiceover, "Keep up with THE GAME, and all sports news with Apple's new i-Havenolife. Connect to the nation's largest mobile network and never miss a score. C'mon, Sally, take off that dress." So, the message here is, that unless you are glued to a small electronic box, you are not a real man? Forgive me for going out on a limb here, but I stopped playing video games right about the time "Sonic the Hedgehog" was the biggest name in the 16-bit world, which is right about the time I learned how to fly airplanes.

Or, how about this article, printed recently in Cosmopolitan: "His 10 Biggest Love Lies", by Robin Hilmantel (no offense, but when it comes to getting advice about how men think, I would seriously consider asking someone with a name like "Butch" or "Rocco", rather than "Robin"). Cosmo suggests that the average male tells six lies per day, the premise of which I wholeheartedly reject. I will admit though, I do stretch the truth once in awhile, "Of COURSE I have documents to prove that as a farm expense - what kind of operation do you think I'm running here?."

According to Cosmo, guys tell lies because they are secretly insecure, and are trying their level best to control the relationship. This is where lines like; "I'm stuck in traffic" and "I'm on my way" come from. He is just making an excuse for being late, perhaps buying some more time, and attempting to pout his way out of arriving someplace he'd really rather not be in the first place. OK, my take is this: If I am asked to do something I really don't want to do, I simply say "NO". I don't do anything or go anywhere I'd rather not be, just as I don't expect my wife to commit herself to something that she's uncomfortable with. It is as simple as that. Next.

Another lie guys apparently tell, "No, your butt does not look big in that." Sadly, I have only had one chance in my life to answer 'yes' to this question, and that was a long, long, long time ago in a country far, far away. In all honesty, I have never dated anyone who was so insecure with herself that she needed validation of her buttocks from me. Besides, I'm the wrong guy to ask - I've always been a legs man.

Next lies: "I didn't have too much to drink," and "This will be my last beer." Guys tell these because they are drowning their true feelings about the relationship with alcohol, and are just trying to get rid of you for the evening (spoken with a lisp). OK to be fair, I myself have said those very lines, but it is always because I can NEVER have "too much" to drink, and if I'm on my last beer, it means I am switching to rum and coke. Or tequila, which is a good indication that its time to stop. I used to be able to handle it ...

Another lie guys tell, "It wasn't that expensive." Supposedly, guys use this line because they love their toys, and want you, the woman, to think he is responsible with his money. OK, here is an earth-shattering thought; are you sitting down? Why not just tell the truth? Here is a conversation I recently had with Ashley, verbatim:

Me: "Hey babe, just so you know, I'm thinking about buying an airplane in two years. It's not going to be cheap, in fact, it will be ridiculously expensive, but think of how cool it would be for us to fly to Asheville just for the heck of it."

Ashley: "As long as you think we can afford it." See how easy that was?

Finally, the last lie: "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine." According to the article, 52% of men tell this lie because they are inept at sharing their true feelings and emotions. No, actually that's not true - if something is wrong I come right out and freaking say it. Sometimes, I will even write an article about it and publish it to the world.

So, I have to wonder, are men really turning into emotional wimps who have to hide their feelings behind toys and beer? I assure you, that this particular man is not. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go build a retaining wall out of railroad ties with my bare hands.

- Dan Wegmueller is a columnist for The Monroe Times. He can be reached at