If there is one thing that America does really well, it is cold cereal. Places like Australia and Europe insist upon having healthy, wholesome breakfasts consisting of whole grain oat bran, muesli, yogurt and unbuttered toast. I have no shame in admitting that a big manly cauldron of Golden Grahams is exactly how a good day starts at my house.
Just consider the cereal aisle at any given grocery store. Why, just look at the selection! The colors, the shapes, and the marketing mascots - it all comes together like a Tim Burton movie (or, an acid trip - whatever works). But, for the incredible variety that passes as breakfast cuisine, there can be no other choice for me but Golden Grahams. Maybe the allure of Golden Grahams is that I never had it growing up; too expensive. Additionally, to my knowledge, no generic version of Golden Grahams exists, making it even more covetable.
Now, I also have to admit that I have not yet attained such affluence that I can randomly afford to drop four or five bucks on a box of cereal. So, like a predator, I stalk the grocery aisles, waiting for a sale on bulk items: "50 percent off!" or "Buy two, get one free". Then, just as things like this tend to happen, one day I was presented with the mother-load of a sale: "Six boxes for 10 bucks" on all General Mills cereal. This is name-brand stuff! Brilliant! I was tempted to just load my cart with six boxes of graham cracker deliciousness, but then stopped. After all, too much of a good thing can be bad. So, I spiced it up: three boxes of Golden Grahams, two of Honey Nut Cheerios, and one of, what's this? Reese's Puffs cereal? There is a breakfast food based off a candy bar? Oh, count me in!
So, for the last two months, I have been eating nothing but General Mills cereal. For breakfast, lunch and sometimes an afternoon snack. I feel like I should be getting a beanie out of the deal (a shout-out to Calvin and Hobbes). As I tend to do, I read cereal boxes while I eat. After all, you never know where inspirations for an article will originate.
I have to admit, as delicious as Golden Grahams are, they need to redesign their boxes. On the back is a bleached-blonde little skater dude with a grin that fills me with the desire to ram my wife's Japanese carving knife clear through both sides of the cardboard. I am not a morning person. Who does this kid think he is, grinning so smugly like that? Come to think of it, this is the same kid that has been smiling on Golden Grahams for the past five years. Maybe that's why the cereal was on sale?
Next is Honey Nut Cheerios, smartly adorned with heart-healthy, cholesterol-lowering, weight-watching advertisements. I just love it when a product advertises that it will help you lose weight - by eating daily-recommended allotment of said product, coupled with an active lifestyle of diet and exercise, this product has been proven to help lose weight.
The irony is, that with an active lifestyle you can eat anything you want, and still lose weight. Trust me - I should weigh 400 pounds. The back of the Honey Nut Cheerios box proves my point. There, right next to the mascot bee, are half-dozen tips on how to lower cholesterol. All involve simple lifestyle changes, like "Get your butt off the couch and DO SOMETHING!" Although Honey Nut Cheerios advertises that it "Can help lower cholesterol*", none of the lifestyle tips include eating copious amounts of cereal. Aah well; let's finish with some jokes, printed on the side panel:
"What do you call a newborn bee?" Answer: A babee!
"What did the bee say to his girlfriend?" Answer: Quick, get out of here - my wife is home! (That's not actually what it said on the box. I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. Ashley sure was).
Finally, in my quest for morning fulfillment and validation, I decided to try something new. Queue Reese's Puffs cereal, the aforementioned breakfast food based off a candy bar. I don't know how to describe this product, other than it could very easily be served in liberal amounts atop ice cream as a dessert. It took me only three days to annihilate this box of cereal (of course, Ashley helped. After all, what else would she have? Boring old oatmeal and Special K? Ha!). Reese's Puffs was, quite honestly, almost as good as Golden Grahams. I even found the box to be quite amusing.
When I was in grade school, cereal boxes used to quiz you with trivia, American history, and geography. Now, your little hooligan can create his or her very own rap and dancing avatar! Cool! Here on the box are tips on how to design your own DJ name (just take the street you grew up on and the name of your first pet, then change every "I" to a "Y", in order to expedite the corruption of modern-day spelling and grammar). Next, is an ad-libs type outline to create your very own Reese's Puffs Rap. Because, eating food is not good enough - it must also incorporate gangsta rap.
Just consider the cereal aisle at any given grocery store. Why, just look at the selection! The colors, the shapes, and the marketing mascots - it all comes together like a Tim Burton movie (or, an acid trip - whatever works). But, for the incredible variety that passes as breakfast cuisine, there can be no other choice for me but Golden Grahams. Maybe the allure of Golden Grahams is that I never had it growing up; too expensive. Additionally, to my knowledge, no generic version of Golden Grahams exists, making it even more covetable.
Now, I also have to admit that I have not yet attained such affluence that I can randomly afford to drop four or five bucks on a box of cereal. So, like a predator, I stalk the grocery aisles, waiting for a sale on bulk items: "50 percent off!" or "Buy two, get one free". Then, just as things like this tend to happen, one day I was presented with the mother-load of a sale: "Six boxes for 10 bucks" on all General Mills cereal. This is name-brand stuff! Brilliant! I was tempted to just load my cart with six boxes of graham cracker deliciousness, but then stopped. After all, too much of a good thing can be bad. So, I spiced it up: three boxes of Golden Grahams, two of Honey Nut Cheerios, and one of, what's this? Reese's Puffs cereal? There is a breakfast food based off a candy bar? Oh, count me in!
So, for the last two months, I have been eating nothing but General Mills cereal. For breakfast, lunch and sometimes an afternoon snack. I feel like I should be getting a beanie out of the deal (a shout-out to Calvin and Hobbes). As I tend to do, I read cereal boxes while I eat. After all, you never know where inspirations for an article will originate.
I have to admit, as delicious as Golden Grahams are, they need to redesign their boxes. On the back is a bleached-blonde little skater dude with a grin that fills me with the desire to ram my wife's Japanese carving knife clear through both sides of the cardboard. I am not a morning person. Who does this kid think he is, grinning so smugly like that? Come to think of it, this is the same kid that has been smiling on Golden Grahams for the past five years. Maybe that's why the cereal was on sale?
Next is Honey Nut Cheerios, smartly adorned with heart-healthy, cholesterol-lowering, weight-watching advertisements. I just love it when a product advertises that it will help you lose weight - by eating daily-recommended allotment of said product, coupled with an active lifestyle of diet and exercise, this product has been proven to help lose weight.
The irony is, that with an active lifestyle you can eat anything you want, and still lose weight. Trust me - I should weigh 400 pounds. The back of the Honey Nut Cheerios box proves my point. There, right next to the mascot bee, are half-dozen tips on how to lower cholesterol. All involve simple lifestyle changes, like "Get your butt off the couch and DO SOMETHING!" Although Honey Nut Cheerios advertises that it "Can help lower cholesterol*", none of the lifestyle tips include eating copious amounts of cereal. Aah well; let's finish with some jokes, printed on the side panel:
"What do you call a newborn bee?" Answer: A babee!
"What did the bee say to his girlfriend?" Answer: Quick, get out of here - my wife is home! (That's not actually what it said on the box. I just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. Ashley sure was).
Finally, in my quest for morning fulfillment and validation, I decided to try something new. Queue Reese's Puffs cereal, the aforementioned breakfast food based off a candy bar. I don't know how to describe this product, other than it could very easily be served in liberal amounts atop ice cream as a dessert. It took me only three days to annihilate this box of cereal (of course, Ashley helped. After all, what else would she have? Boring old oatmeal and Special K? Ha!). Reese's Puffs was, quite honestly, almost as good as Golden Grahams. I even found the box to be quite amusing.
When I was in grade school, cereal boxes used to quiz you with trivia, American history, and geography. Now, your little hooligan can create his or her very own rap and dancing avatar! Cool! Here on the box are tips on how to design your own DJ name (just take the street you grew up on and the name of your first pet, then change every "I" to a "Y", in order to expedite the corruption of modern-day spelling and grammar). Next, is an ad-libs type outline to create your very own Reese's Puffs Rap. Because, eating food is not good enough - it must also incorporate gangsta rap.