My friends, it has been almost seven months since I went into business for myself. In January 2008, I decided to purchase cows, and in early March I sold my first shipment of milk. I truly am happy with "My Girls," but notably it is the personality of individual animals that I love. For example, Jenny is the original - she was the first heifer to calve. Then, there are cows like Katlee and "Noodles," a strikingly fitting nickname, given her character. These hard-working girls are but a few of the exceptional cows that make my dairy farm work. They are healthy and hard working, and personable - they are the caliber of cow that makes me truly enjoy dairy production.
Recently I've noticed striking parallels between my small dairy setup and our nation's current financial situation. After all, I've found that situations and challenges on the national and international scale can first be applied at a local, grassroots level. What comes next is a parody of the bailout:
It has been a successful year for my dairy farm. I am now up to 30 head of milk cows, with room to expand. In fact, I am about to apply for a loan through the USDA, in order to increase my herd. My advisor tells me: "A herd of cows was dispersed, and we are looking for farmers to buy them up. These cows have no past milk production records, were not vaccinated, are not registered, and we have no idea what their pedigrees look like. But, this herd must be purchased. The USDA will lend you the money to buy this herd, at a fixed rate of 1.5 percent. The only stipulation is, that you must never sell any of the cows. Alternatively, if you choose not to buy this herd, we will not lend you money to purchase other animals."
Well, folks, a government-backed rate of 1.5 percent is well below the inflation rate - that's like free money! So, I agreed to the terms and took shipment of the cows. Then, reality reared its ugly head. I discovered why the cows have no past milk production records - they don't give any milk! There they are, devouring as much feed as cows like Jenny, Noodles and Katlee, without a return on milk. To make matters worse, this newly acquired herd suffers from chronic foot problems and a low conception rate! I set up a weekly appointment with my veterinarian, just to address the health issues of this increasingly useless acquisition.
It doesn't take long for the feed and vet bills to pile up. This new herd of useless cows has over-stressed the production of my existing, profitable herd. I take a long walk to ponder and meditate. If only I could just sell that herd of cows! But, doing so would violate the terms of my FSA loan - I'd have to pay a much higher rate. Then, suddenly, out of the sky comes a vision! A blinding white light sends me to my knees, my head bowed. Is it my guardian angel? Is it our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Is it the heavenly father God himself?
No; even better! Down on a silver-lined cloud of flailing politicians comes the vision of Nancy Pelosi and Barney Frank. They speak, "My son, the United States government has heard your plea and is here to help on this year of elections."
Humbly I ask, "You're going to help me get the terms of my FSA loan changed so I can sell that herd of useless cows to Equity Livestock?"
A booming reply, "NO! You have an obligation to provide them with bedding, feed and free veterinarian health care. That herd is not the problem. The problem is with cows like Jenny, Noodles and Katlee - they must work harder to provide for the useless cows. Hear me, my son, for thou willst implement a new program, by which cows like Jenny, Noodles and Katlee will have their lactations spread out to 610 days. You will introduce them to growth hormones so that they produce more milk."
I began to reply, wouldn't it be simpler to just sell the useless cows? Then I realized Pelosi and Frank know absolutely nothing about dairy farming, so I said, "Well, the annual operating budget for my 30-head herd of dairy cows is around $8 million. I will need twice that amount to get myself out of this current financial turmoil, as well as additional funding to make needed infrastructure improvements on the farm. For example, the tractor I currently use to mix feed is from the 1960s. I must have a new tractor that is MP3 compatible in order to ensure the future success of my operation."
The vision replied, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, go forth and buy, my son. It will be so - you will receive the financial support, as well as a guarantee for future funds. After all, once the government issues free money, there is no stopping it."
Well, my friends, everything worked out in the end. I received the funding from the government, which isn't even going to make me pay it back! I now have an iPod-friendly tractor on the TMR mixer, and my Dad and I were able to take a month-long trip to Curacao, to study the feasibility of raising dairy cows on a fringing reef system (of course, we took some time to go scuba diving, as well). I will continue to care for the herd of useless cows, because if they should saddle my operation with too many bills, I will simply receive more funding from our Lord and Savior, the U.S. government.
It is a beautiful world, indeed.
- Dan Wegmueller is a columnist for The Monroe Times. He can be reached at dwegs@tds.net.
Recently I've noticed striking parallels between my small dairy setup and our nation's current financial situation. After all, I've found that situations and challenges on the national and international scale can first be applied at a local, grassroots level. What comes next is a parody of the bailout:
It has been a successful year for my dairy farm. I am now up to 30 head of milk cows, with room to expand. In fact, I am about to apply for a loan through the USDA, in order to increase my herd. My advisor tells me: "A herd of cows was dispersed, and we are looking for farmers to buy them up. These cows have no past milk production records, were not vaccinated, are not registered, and we have no idea what their pedigrees look like. But, this herd must be purchased. The USDA will lend you the money to buy this herd, at a fixed rate of 1.5 percent. The only stipulation is, that you must never sell any of the cows. Alternatively, if you choose not to buy this herd, we will not lend you money to purchase other animals."
Well, folks, a government-backed rate of 1.5 percent is well below the inflation rate - that's like free money! So, I agreed to the terms and took shipment of the cows. Then, reality reared its ugly head. I discovered why the cows have no past milk production records - they don't give any milk! There they are, devouring as much feed as cows like Jenny, Noodles and Katlee, without a return on milk. To make matters worse, this newly acquired herd suffers from chronic foot problems and a low conception rate! I set up a weekly appointment with my veterinarian, just to address the health issues of this increasingly useless acquisition.
It doesn't take long for the feed and vet bills to pile up. This new herd of useless cows has over-stressed the production of my existing, profitable herd. I take a long walk to ponder and meditate. If only I could just sell that herd of cows! But, doing so would violate the terms of my FSA loan - I'd have to pay a much higher rate. Then, suddenly, out of the sky comes a vision! A blinding white light sends me to my knees, my head bowed. Is it my guardian angel? Is it our lord and savior Jesus Christ? Is it the heavenly father God himself?
No; even better! Down on a silver-lined cloud of flailing politicians comes the vision of Nancy Pelosi and Barney Frank. They speak, "My son, the United States government has heard your plea and is here to help on this year of elections."
Humbly I ask, "You're going to help me get the terms of my FSA loan changed so I can sell that herd of useless cows to Equity Livestock?"
A booming reply, "NO! You have an obligation to provide them with bedding, feed and free veterinarian health care. That herd is not the problem. The problem is with cows like Jenny, Noodles and Katlee - they must work harder to provide for the useless cows. Hear me, my son, for thou willst implement a new program, by which cows like Jenny, Noodles and Katlee will have their lactations spread out to 610 days. You will introduce them to growth hormones so that they produce more milk."
I began to reply, wouldn't it be simpler to just sell the useless cows? Then I realized Pelosi and Frank know absolutely nothing about dairy farming, so I said, "Well, the annual operating budget for my 30-head herd of dairy cows is around $8 million. I will need twice that amount to get myself out of this current financial turmoil, as well as additional funding to make needed infrastructure improvements on the farm. For example, the tractor I currently use to mix feed is from the 1960s. I must have a new tractor that is MP3 compatible in order to ensure the future success of my operation."
The vision replied, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, go forth and buy, my son. It will be so - you will receive the financial support, as well as a guarantee for future funds. After all, once the government issues free money, there is no stopping it."
Well, my friends, everything worked out in the end. I received the funding from the government, which isn't even going to make me pay it back! I now have an iPod-friendly tractor on the TMR mixer, and my Dad and I were able to take a month-long trip to Curacao, to study the feasibility of raising dairy cows on a fringing reef system (of course, we took some time to go scuba diving, as well). I will continue to care for the herd of useless cows, because if they should saddle my operation with too many bills, I will simply receive more funding from our Lord and Savior, the U.S. government.
It is a beautiful world, indeed.
- Dan Wegmueller is a columnist for The Monroe Times. He can be reached at dwegs@tds.net.
