So, let me get this straight. A slight but noticeable earthquake rocked Northern Illinois, not far from Chicago, early Wednesday morning. On the Eastern seaboard, Federal Agencies have been shut down for a week, due to a snowstorm.
Let's go back in time to late summer, 2005 when Hurricane Katrina made landfall. The disaster, and mismanaged relief efforts that followed was blamed, not on local or state governments, but on the federal government. It took days just to get water to the Superdome, and the federal government was wide open for business. Do you see where I am going with this?
Let's say, for the sake of this article, that Northern Illinois was not hit on Wednesday morning by a cute and cuddly 3.8-magnitude earthquake. Let's say, that it was much stronger, like the 7.0 quake that devastated Haiti last month. Try this for a headline: "Massive Quake Devastates Chicago! Millions Homeless, Told to Wait Patiently Until Monday, When Washington, D.C. Federal Offices Reopen Following Last Week's Snowstorm." Someone, quickly call Mike Judge; his next movie has just been written.
All I have to say is thank goodness for our local governments. Let me take this opportunity to point out that here in Jefferson township, on Montgomery Road, I have NEVER been snowed in. With all the white stuff that has fallen in recent months, Montgomery Road has always been open. Even as the snow fell this past week, and early the next morning, township trucks rumbled past. The drivers smiled and waved, as I shoveled my own driveway. Like I said, thank goodness for local government. Just imagine having to sit around and wait to be dug out by Washington after a winter storm. That is what we call hope and change.
My point here is that bigger and newer is not always better. In fact, it rarely is. Take compact fluorescent light bulbs (CFLs), for example. Remember when they were first introduced into the market? This new invention, this little pigtail device was advertised as the end-all to America's energy crisis. Benefits include: Lowered energy costs, longer life, and reduced power usage. I am looking at one of these hideous little things right now, and the package reads, in bold letters: "SAVE $75 IN ENERGY COSTS*"
Except, there is a problem with CFLs. In fact, there are several problems. After having joyously switched all my evil incandescents, I have this empirical data to submit:
First, my electric bill has not gone down. Despite having made no lifestyle changes in the past three years (I switched bulbs 12 months ago), I am not using less power. If anything, my electric bill has slowly climbed from a steady $60 per month to now over $90, despite using consistently the same amount of electricity each month.
Second, CFLs do not work in cold weather. Despite being labeled "Outdoor Use", they pathetically flicker to life in any open-air environment. When I arrive at work on frigid mornings, the first thing I do is flip on every single light switch, so that my energy-efficient CFLs have about fifteen minutes to warm up before I actually need them. How is that better? On that same note, I also switched my outdoor security lights. A halogen floodlight will brighten the lawn like it's noon. A CFL feebly clicks on, and after minutes is still just as effective as a well-placed candle. I can see the headline now: "Burglar Falls off Balcony in Poor Light Conditions, Sues Homeowner for Physical and Emotional Damages."
Considering I am as sick of writing about CFLs as you probably are of reading about them, I will quickly point out that they are un-dimmable, they do burn out, and must be subsidized in order to be cost-effective. Brilliant. But then, how can the packaging advertise, "SAVE $75 IN ENERGY COSTS*"? Well, ladies and gentlemen, let's follow the asterisk. I swear to God, this is exactly what is written on the package, verbatim:
"*Cost Savings: $75 energy cost savings over the life of the bulb is calculated based on $.10 per kilowatt hour vs. cost of burning ten 100-watt incandescents for the same amount of time." What?! Well, I guess you will save $75 if you substitute TEN 100-watt incandescents with ONE pigtail CFL. Ha!
It has been more than forty years since man first walked on the moon. In the four decades that have followed, human beings have explored every conceivable environment. We've launched probes into the sun, onto a comet, explored the ocean floor, and even mapped our genetic tree. We've peered into space further than the human mind can even contemplate. Yet, the best light bulb we have to offer does not work in cold weather, and cannot be used in a dimmed, romantic environment. And, it costs more.
I started out by saying that newer is not necessarily better, and we explored the wide world of light bulbs in order to prove the point. There are countless other illustrations I could have used, like household appliances, for example. My microwave is 30 years old, and dims the lights every time I use it. But, it boils a cup of coffee in two minutes. My parents just bought a brand-new microwave, and within a week, only the 1, 4, and 7 buttons still work. At least it is an Energy Star appliance.
P.S. A Jefferson Township snowplow just went past my house.
Let's go back in time to late summer, 2005 when Hurricane Katrina made landfall. The disaster, and mismanaged relief efforts that followed was blamed, not on local or state governments, but on the federal government. It took days just to get water to the Superdome, and the federal government was wide open for business. Do you see where I am going with this?
Let's say, for the sake of this article, that Northern Illinois was not hit on Wednesday morning by a cute and cuddly 3.8-magnitude earthquake. Let's say, that it was much stronger, like the 7.0 quake that devastated Haiti last month. Try this for a headline: "Massive Quake Devastates Chicago! Millions Homeless, Told to Wait Patiently Until Monday, When Washington, D.C. Federal Offices Reopen Following Last Week's Snowstorm." Someone, quickly call Mike Judge; his next movie has just been written.
All I have to say is thank goodness for our local governments. Let me take this opportunity to point out that here in Jefferson township, on Montgomery Road, I have NEVER been snowed in. With all the white stuff that has fallen in recent months, Montgomery Road has always been open. Even as the snow fell this past week, and early the next morning, township trucks rumbled past. The drivers smiled and waved, as I shoveled my own driveway. Like I said, thank goodness for local government. Just imagine having to sit around and wait to be dug out by Washington after a winter storm. That is what we call hope and change.
My point here is that bigger and newer is not always better. In fact, it rarely is. Take compact fluorescent light bulbs (CFLs), for example. Remember when they were first introduced into the market? This new invention, this little pigtail device was advertised as the end-all to America's energy crisis. Benefits include: Lowered energy costs, longer life, and reduced power usage. I am looking at one of these hideous little things right now, and the package reads, in bold letters: "SAVE $75 IN ENERGY COSTS*"
Except, there is a problem with CFLs. In fact, there are several problems. After having joyously switched all my evil incandescents, I have this empirical data to submit:
First, my electric bill has not gone down. Despite having made no lifestyle changes in the past three years (I switched bulbs 12 months ago), I am not using less power. If anything, my electric bill has slowly climbed from a steady $60 per month to now over $90, despite using consistently the same amount of electricity each month.
Second, CFLs do not work in cold weather. Despite being labeled "Outdoor Use", they pathetically flicker to life in any open-air environment. When I arrive at work on frigid mornings, the first thing I do is flip on every single light switch, so that my energy-efficient CFLs have about fifteen minutes to warm up before I actually need them. How is that better? On that same note, I also switched my outdoor security lights. A halogen floodlight will brighten the lawn like it's noon. A CFL feebly clicks on, and after minutes is still just as effective as a well-placed candle. I can see the headline now: "Burglar Falls off Balcony in Poor Light Conditions, Sues Homeowner for Physical and Emotional Damages."
Considering I am as sick of writing about CFLs as you probably are of reading about them, I will quickly point out that they are un-dimmable, they do burn out, and must be subsidized in order to be cost-effective. Brilliant. But then, how can the packaging advertise, "SAVE $75 IN ENERGY COSTS*"? Well, ladies and gentlemen, let's follow the asterisk. I swear to God, this is exactly what is written on the package, verbatim:
"*Cost Savings: $75 energy cost savings over the life of the bulb is calculated based on $.10 per kilowatt hour vs. cost of burning ten 100-watt incandescents for the same amount of time." What?! Well, I guess you will save $75 if you substitute TEN 100-watt incandescents with ONE pigtail CFL. Ha!
It has been more than forty years since man first walked on the moon. In the four decades that have followed, human beings have explored every conceivable environment. We've launched probes into the sun, onto a comet, explored the ocean floor, and even mapped our genetic tree. We've peered into space further than the human mind can even contemplate. Yet, the best light bulb we have to offer does not work in cold weather, and cannot be used in a dimmed, romantic environment. And, it costs more.
I started out by saying that newer is not necessarily better, and we explored the wide world of light bulbs in order to prove the point. There are countless other illustrations I could have used, like household appliances, for example. My microwave is 30 years old, and dims the lights every time I use it. But, it boils a cup of coffee in two minutes. My parents just bought a brand-new microwave, and within a week, only the 1, 4, and 7 buttons still work. At least it is an Energy Star appliance.
P.S. A Jefferson Township snowplow just went past my house.
