NEW GLARUS - October 8 may be just another day for most people, but for Conni Bigler, it's a painful anniversary.
One year ago, her son, Trevor Moen, 29, walked into the sanctuary of Shepherd of the Hills Church in New Glarus and shot himself. It was the end of a life for a young man who had suffered from bipolar disorder since his late teens.
Today will be spent opening up memory boxes, looking at what Moen left behind and letting the emotions come out.
"It's going to be an emotional day," Bigler said. "I'm prepared for that. If I cry, that's OK. If I smile remembering him, that's OK, too."
The end of a
turbulent life
Bigler said Moen kept most of the illness to himself. He failed to stay on medication because it didn't seem to work.
Moen attempted suicide in 1998 over a lost relationship with a girlfriend.
"He convinced the hospitals that he was OK, and me, too," Bigler said. "How gullible we all were."
After that, there were a couple "cuttings." Neither was life-threatening, but one required stitches.
Bipolar disorder also is called manic depression. The attempted suicide and cuttings were the depression stage. Moen's manic stage included wired and flighty episodes of purchasing "a storm with his credit cards."
"There were times when Trevor wouldn't even get his purchases in the vehicle to go home when he was already starting to crash, wondering how he would pay for everything ..."
Bigler and Moen's closest friends had no idea Moen was living in his car, sleeping in parking lots and using a storage shed for his closet five months before he died. He showered at a health club where he had a membership.
In September 2007, Moen took his last paycheck and some money from a friend and went to Mexico.
"I didn't think he would come back, but he did and he was mad at the world," Bigler said. "His suicide note stated that he had 'returned home to die.'"
Four hours before he committed suicide, Moen went to see his mom to tell her he was heading to Madison to stay with a friend for a while. Bigler told him everything would work out and God loved him.
"I got a tearful hug before he walked out of the house into the late afternoon sunshine," Bigler said. "I watched out the window and saw him turn back, smile and wave."
The aftermath
Bigler has had no choice but to spend much of her time in the church where Moen took his life. She's the ministry coordinator there.
Bigler said it was painfully difficult at first to be in the church, but her faith in God has helped ease the pain.
"There was clean-up involved, and it was very hard at first," Bigler said. Since the suicide, carpet has been replaced. "I can stand at the spot it happened and be very comfortable. He's there."
One of Bigler's recurring thoughts after Moen's suicide was wondering how any parent could go through a suicide if they didn't have faith in God and "know the promise of resurrection."
"You have to know that you're going to be reunited with your loved ones at some point and time. You have to be OK with that," Bigler said. "I'm OK with that because I know it will happen."
As if the emotional pain isn't enough to deal with, Bigler said there's also physical pain over her son's death. She equates it to someone reaching inside her body and tearing her heart out.
Bigler takes solace in the description of grieving over time shared by a friend who had lost her son to suicide about 20 years ago.
"She explained in these words 'the hurt is like a very jagged rock on the beach. In time water washes over it and smoothes it out.'"
Looking ahead
While the pain of losing a son is a permanent part of her life, Bigler's faith in God has allowed her to open up, tell her story and listen to the stories of others.
On Sunday, members of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) came to the church where Moen took his life. Bigler donated Trevor's memorial money to NAMI.
One of the speakers was Carol Mixdorf of rural New Glarus. She is on the board of directors of NAMI's Green County chapter, which is beginning to grow.
During this week, which is Mental Illness Awareness Week, Mixdorf has been distributing information packets to schools and churches and presenting "Family to Family," a mental illness education program.
Bigler said a future hope is that New Glarus and other Green County communities will help form a network of "caring congregations" by erasing the stigma involved with mental illnesses.
"We're not sure which direction we're going in, because it's new," Bigler said. "But faith and community are two things people dealing with mental illness need."
Bigler said churches and community groups could host fundraisers and maybe partner with NAMI for mental illness education.
Anything will be a help for families going through what Bigler and Moen did. An organized effort may even help save someone's life.
"There is virtually a Trevor in almost everyone's life. He may be your son or daughter, parent or friend. You might be Trevor," Bigler said. "I know you want to tell your story, and I know you want someone to listen."
One year ago, her son, Trevor Moen, 29, walked into the sanctuary of Shepherd of the Hills Church in New Glarus and shot himself. It was the end of a life for a young man who had suffered from bipolar disorder since his late teens.
Today will be spent opening up memory boxes, looking at what Moen left behind and letting the emotions come out.
"It's going to be an emotional day," Bigler said. "I'm prepared for that. If I cry, that's OK. If I smile remembering him, that's OK, too."
The end of a
turbulent life
Bigler said Moen kept most of the illness to himself. He failed to stay on medication because it didn't seem to work.
Moen attempted suicide in 1998 over a lost relationship with a girlfriend.
"He convinced the hospitals that he was OK, and me, too," Bigler said. "How gullible we all were."
After that, there were a couple "cuttings." Neither was life-threatening, but one required stitches.
Bipolar disorder also is called manic depression. The attempted suicide and cuttings were the depression stage. Moen's manic stage included wired and flighty episodes of purchasing "a storm with his credit cards."
"There were times when Trevor wouldn't even get his purchases in the vehicle to go home when he was already starting to crash, wondering how he would pay for everything ..."
Bigler and Moen's closest friends had no idea Moen was living in his car, sleeping in parking lots and using a storage shed for his closet five months before he died. He showered at a health club where he had a membership.
In September 2007, Moen took his last paycheck and some money from a friend and went to Mexico.
"I didn't think he would come back, but he did and he was mad at the world," Bigler said. "His suicide note stated that he had 'returned home to die.'"
Four hours before he committed suicide, Moen went to see his mom to tell her he was heading to Madison to stay with a friend for a while. Bigler told him everything would work out and God loved him.
"I got a tearful hug before he walked out of the house into the late afternoon sunshine," Bigler said. "I watched out the window and saw him turn back, smile and wave."
The aftermath
Bigler has had no choice but to spend much of her time in the church where Moen took his life. She's the ministry coordinator there.
Bigler said it was painfully difficult at first to be in the church, but her faith in God has helped ease the pain.
"There was clean-up involved, and it was very hard at first," Bigler said. Since the suicide, carpet has been replaced. "I can stand at the spot it happened and be very comfortable. He's there."
One of Bigler's recurring thoughts after Moen's suicide was wondering how any parent could go through a suicide if they didn't have faith in God and "know the promise of resurrection."
"You have to know that you're going to be reunited with your loved ones at some point and time. You have to be OK with that," Bigler said. "I'm OK with that because I know it will happen."
As if the emotional pain isn't enough to deal with, Bigler said there's also physical pain over her son's death. She equates it to someone reaching inside her body and tearing her heart out.
Bigler takes solace in the description of grieving over time shared by a friend who had lost her son to suicide about 20 years ago.
"She explained in these words 'the hurt is like a very jagged rock on the beach. In time water washes over it and smoothes it out.'"
Looking ahead
While the pain of losing a son is a permanent part of her life, Bigler's faith in God has allowed her to open up, tell her story and listen to the stories of others.
On Sunday, members of the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) came to the church where Moen took his life. Bigler donated Trevor's memorial money to NAMI.
One of the speakers was Carol Mixdorf of rural New Glarus. She is on the board of directors of NAMI's Green County chapter, which is beginning to grow.
During this week, which is Mental Illness Awareness Week, Mixdorf has been distributing information packets to schools and churches and presenting "Family to Family," a mental illness education program.
Bigler said a future hope is that New Glarus and other Green County communities will help form a network of "caring congregations" by erasing the stigma involved with mental illnesses.
"We're not sure which direction we're going in, because it's new," Bigler said. "But faith and community are two things people dealing with mental illness need."
Bigler said churches and community groups could host fundraisers and maybe partner with NAMI for mental illness education.
Anything will be a help for families going through what Bigler and Moen did. An organized effort may even help save someone's life.
"There is virtually a Trevor in almost everyone's life. He may be your son or daughter, parent or friend. You might be Trevor," Bigler said. "I know you want to tell your story, and I know you want someone to listen."