Just ask any married couple.

Truth is, despite our optimistic opinions about our communicative abilities, most of us don’t measure up. Oh, we try. We believe we are good, great, expert (even) because we understand — completely, thoroughly and truthfully — the messages we are attempting to invoke. 

But that’s just the half of it.

In my humble opinion, despite our wishes to the contrary, most of us are not extremely capable and/or competent when it comes to communication. This is mostly due to one glaring deficit.

We don’t fully participate in, embrace or practice the art of listening.

Hear me out.

Communication is a two-way street. Let’s say talking and expressing our ideas is on the right side of the roadway and listening is on the left. 

Trouble is, most of us spend significantly more time on right side versus the left.

Which is, respectfully, wrong.

I’m not purporting that we don’t listen. We most certainly do — every one of us in every conversation we have every day. 

It’s the way in which we listen that comes into question.

We don’t typically listen simply for the sake of listening: to digest information, to comprehend, to understand, to empathize. 

All too often, we listen with another purpose in mind: to share our own outlook and circumstances regarding the topic.

This illustrates the human in us: the humanity. We listen and relate circumstances to our own, and believe we should respond in kind — with a story or anecdote all about us. Isn’t that empathy?

Isn’t that listening?

Sort of. But I don’t think it’s listening to the full extent of the listening law. It’s half-listening. Nearly self-indulgent listening, because we take the words of another and create a response that centers around our experiences and beliefs.

Once again, I return to humanity. This type of response is part of the human condition. 

Instead of listening with the thought of “How does this pertain to me?” I suggest we listen with the thought of “How is this person feeling? What are they thinking as they share these thoughts with me?”

We are conditioned to relate all facts and factors to the entity we know best, and that’s ourself. Thing is, when conversing and communicating, most people aren’t really looking for a response that involves a story about you (or me) or our experiences, or even our opinions. They are looking to share their own ideas, not gain yours.

This goes (without saying) for verbal as well as written communication. And it especially goes when you disagree with something that someone says or writes in a public forum.

It’s so easy to agree in silence. Disagreeing is a little more challenging — am I right?

But listening — whether you agree or disagree — is an active activity. But that active nature takes place within you, within me, within each of us. To actively listen is to really put yourself in the place or position of someone else and empathize in the true nature of the word. 

Sometimes it’s as simple as saying “I hear you,” and nothing more.

Sometimes it is finding comfort in silence. (So many of us are uncomfortable with silence.)

But almost always, listening is not about you or me. It is about the person needing (longing even) to share his or her thoughts with us. Trusting us with those thoughts.

And when you think about it, that’s pretty big — being trusted with another’s thoughts. We’ve all been on the other end — hoping and wishing for someone to truly listen. Just listen. Nothing more.

It can start with you. And me. And all of us. I hear you.

— Jill Pertler’s column Slices of Life appears regularly in the Times. She can be reached at 

slicescolumn@gmail.com.