Over the last four-plus years I’ve given a lot of time thinking about emotions — joy, bliss, sorrow, anger and everything in-between. I’ve struggled. I’ve failed. I’ve crawled out of the rubble. I’ve found glimmers of sunlight. I’ve had moments of success, amidst the storm clouds looming overhead.
Along the way, I believe I’ve made some discoveries and I’d like to try to share them here. They’ve provided insight for me and perhaps they can do the same for you. I hope so.
First — and this is important — each of us has a say in how and what we feel. We impact our own emotions, by our thoughts and our actions.
For me, thoughts are much harder to control than actions, so we’ll address them first.
Our minds are beautiful, complex and scattered entities. I find it extremely difficult to control mine; it’s like it has a mind of its own.
I start out thinking about relaxing my thoughts and that morphs into ideas about a kitchen remodel, car repairs, possible birthday gifts for grandchildren, supper ideas, whether the toilets need cleaning, grocery lists, a need to go to the bathroom and my husband’s death. Not necessarily in that order.
Our thoughts are going to wander. That is a given. So we can’t (or at least we shouldn’t) beat ourselves up for something that is inevitable. What we can do, is recognize the wandering. Be aware of it. Make a note of it and move on. It’s as easy as that. Don’t judge. Don’t condemn. Simply accept, let go and advance to the next moment and the next thought.
When my mind wanders toward negativity, as it is wont to do, I attempt to replace it with something more positive — like how squirrels are inherently cute and put in our backyards for a reason. (Oh, never mind you naysayers!)
Actions are as important as thoughts, and can serve to impact them.
I’ve found that my environment affects my affect. Listening to sad songs makes me sad. The news makes we worry. Watching a TV series (or YouTube video) that makes me laugh out loud makes me happy out loud. It’s all so obvious, I know. But when you become aware of the obvious the fix becomes, well, obvious.
Certain places tend to serve as negative reminders of less happy times. I’d avoid them if I could, but that isn’t always possible. Recognizing certain locations may serve as triggers can help one prepare for possible emotional overload.
There are numerous actions that one can put in her arsenal to positively impact emotions. Some are even steeped in scientific support.
Exercise. Nature. Exercise in nature. Conversation and contact with people who support us in positive ways. Pets. Puppy and kitty videos (cheesy but true). Holding a baby (most especially a grand baby). Focusing on life, even when death seems to fill the room or the world. Turning off the news. Treating yourself to a manicure or facial or maybe both. Work. Helping others. Volunteering. Meditation. Journaling. Making plans for a trip or something you look forward to. Being silly. Cracking a joke. Making a gratitude list.
It sounds pretty simple, because it is. Until you are in one of life’s holes and can’t quite see it that way. In those moments, which we all have, go back to the basics.
Breathe in and then out and remember that you and you alone are in control of your thoughts. Seek out a trusted friend to share time with. Find something you enjoy and then try to smile, or even laugh. If you cry instead, that’s okay.
What’s important is that you keep trying. You’ve got this.
— Jill Pertler’s column Slices of Life appears regularly in the Times. She can be reached at slicescolumn@gmail.com.
