I’ve written about forgiveness before, but I’ve been pondering it again, anew — still. I guess I’ve still got things to discover and learn about the subject. I guess it’s because I still struggle with the subject. 

It’s like when you know the right answer but sometimes it still doesn’t make sense, even though you should know. That’s me and forgiveness.

When someone wrongs us, and we deem it appropriate, we tell them, “I forgive you,” as though this declaration means something to them, us and the world in general.

And maybe it does, in a momentary sense.

But not really, because forgiveness isn’t necessary. It accomplishes nothing, at least not anything substantial.

Forgiveness is living in the past. It is giving energy to something that can’t be undone.

Think about it. What does forgiveness do? What does it accomplish?

Peace of mind. An equalization of karma. Moving forward.

Maybe, but no.

All those things can happen without you enacting the forgiveness potion toward the person who stole your job or husband or wife or bike in seventh grade.

Forgiveness may make you feel like the better person. It may make you feel like you have lightened your load. It may make you feel like you have the upper hand within the universe. 

But do you need to forgive to accomplish any or all of that? I think not.

Perhaps you forgive to reduce the burden for the person needing forgiving. Perhaps forgiveness is an act of altruism.

Except forgiveness doesn’t affect the wrong-doing person in the least. Let’s just get that truth out of the way. Forgiveness does not in any way benefit to the person needing forgiving. 

If anything they’ve got to give that gift to themselves. 

So, then, let’s suppose forgiving benefits you. 

Except it doesn’t because providing time and energy on the act of forgiving only gives more energy to the negativity that requires the forgiveness in the first place. It fuels the fire.

Forgiveness isn’t the act that’s necessary for righting the wrong.

Understanding is. 

Putting it in context is.

Overcoming is.

Moving forward is.

Loving yourself is.

Realizing that life — even the bad parts — is meant to unfold in a certain manner. Our life is filled with good experiences and bad ones. Which do we choose to focus on? Which will we allow to define us? Which memories loop through our minds over and over when we can’t sleep at night? (Yeah, I gotta work on that last one.)

At best we roll with the good and learn from the bad. 

To learn. That one is huge. What can you learn from a certain situation, especially a negative one?

You can learn things about yourself. You can learn to pull yourself up after falling down. You can learn you are capable of pulling yourself up.

You can learn you are a survivor.

You can learn to avoid past errors in judgement. You can become smarter at the very essence of life and in doing so you can learn and understand the negatives in your life can serve a purpose of betterment for you — if you allow that to happen.

You can learn the sun rises and sets and the moon progresses through her phases no matter what state of mind you choose to live in.

You can learn that clinging to the past only holds you down and the best way to overcome that is to let go. You can learn the peace and joy of today is yours for the taking.

Forgiveness, in my humble opinion, is over-rated. Learning, moving forward, growing and thriving are not.

— Jill Pertler’s column Slices of Life appears regularly in the Times. She can be reached at slicescolumn@gmail.com.