These words go out to my fans. Not ceiling fans, although they are wonderful when taking a late afternoon nap (or an early afternoon nap, or a late morning nap or an early morning nap or an evening nap or… well, you catch my gist.)

Today’s topic is of utmost importance because it impacts every one of your nine lives: choosing your human. It is a decision that should be made with careful aforethought. 

Many felines are under the mistaken impression that all humans are alike: cuddly, needy, nearly hairless and lacking in vertical jumping abilities. While all this is accurate, they do come in a variety of shapes, shades, temperaments and dispositions.

They are as varied as we are; each with their own distinct purrsonality and fur color. Oh, sure, much of their fur is sparse (and dare I say bald) but most of them do have a bit of fuzziness on their limbs and torso that can be sort of cute — after you get used to it.

Thankfully, they most often cover their fuzzy spots with drapings they refer to as “clothes.” They use these clothes to make their appearance more acceptable to felines, and presumably other humans. 

It works, some of the time.

For the most part, humans have not evolved to worship their bodily fur in the same way felines do; in fact some of them work to remove it! This is not the case for the fur atop their heads. This fur receives much attention and can come in varying colors, but is monochromatic for each individual. Humans aren’t blessed with a calico variety, although occasionally one of them will have a lighter patch of fur (often gray or white) adjacent to darker patches. In the feline world, this is affectionately known as a “tulsi.”

You may find you have a human who experiences a great loss of the fur on their head. Some even lose all this fur! 

Although clearly alarming, these sphynx-humans are not contagious or dangerous. The loss of hair, while disturbing to their feline companions, is not detrimental to their overall well-being. They can be completely healthy and go on to live long and normal lives lasting many, many cat years. Amazing, I know.

Felines should be warned before adopting a human: they are a dirty species and completely inept in using their tongue for grooming or giving themselves a bath. In order to accomplish cleansing, they often stand under an indoor waterfall that erupts from the wall, most often adjacent to their litter box (I know!) which I will explain at a later time. 

Suffice to say the bathing and the defecating within such close proximity is nothing short of a catastrophe, from a feline perspective. 

As for grooming, this is accomplished by using various gadgets which they use to manipulate their fur by calming, flattening, curling or enlarging it with something they term the “poofing method.” The extent and implementation of this will vary greatly depending on your human.

All this may sound very disconcerting and off-putting. I may have soured you on any idea of acquiring your own human by this point. Please don’t give up on this species quite yet.

Once you get to know and understand them, humans can be quite amazing pets. They may not be as attractive as felines, but they can become valuable and indispensable members of the feline family.

I’m positively indifferent to mine to such an extent that I might just keep them for another three or four lives. Nine would be too much of a commitment; I’m sure, given all the facts listed above, we can all agree on that.

— Jill Pertler’s column Slices of Life appears regularly in the Times. She can be reached at 

slicescolumn@gmail.com.