When historians in 50 years, let alone 500, look back on the 2020s, there might not be enough digital yottabytes available to properly log the fictional reality we’ve found ourselves in. If you don’t know what a yottabyte is, it’s a million trillion megabytes, and not a Yoda-looking creature found deep inside the Hindu Kush.

Although a Yoda-like creature would be pretty cool to see or meet. And maybe it’s not that impossible, given current trends.

This entire column might come off as weird or stupid, but do note I have been waiting for years to write a piece like this. Everyone has conspiracy theories they believe in — be it Big Foot, the Lochness Monster, the Illuminati, faked moon landing, JFK’s assassination, 9/11 as in inside job, or something else entirely. I believe in aliens. And not the “aliens built the pyramids” kinds of conspiracies, or that we descended from humanoids that left Mars, but simply that there are societies of intelligent life “out there somewhere” — in our galaxy or another. And it honestly gives me hope for our future.

The recent downing of a suspected Chinese spy balloon and three other unidentified flying objects (UFOs) has brought questions throughout the world. However, I don’t think the answers reside outside of our own stratosphere. 

Instead, these objects are likely man-made. Most (or likely, all) radars didn’t pick up on these objects simply because they moved too slow (and at the size of small cars, are too small). Over the years there have been a variety of false alarms simply due to migrating flocks of birds, so radar technology has kind of only looked for things moving slightly faster or bigger. And that’s likely how floating orbs with no propulsion or communication systems are able to circumnavigate the world relatively undetected.

Which means the floating projectiles are likely either spy reconnaissance or YouTubers trying to make a bunch of cool time-lapse videos of the planet. Boring answer, I know.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t cheering for actual alien encounters, though. 

The way I see it, intelligent beings from outside of our solar system would only come here for two reasons. 

First, to mine/harvest our planet for their own needs. In this situation, we would stand absolutely zero percent chance of defending ourselves against them. Independence Day is one of my favorite movies, but it absolutely is fantasy. Signs is a great movie, but absolute fantasy. Mars Attacks is funny as hell, but absolute fantasy. On and on for War of the Worlds, Alien, Predator, et al. If a real alien civilization brought more than a singular probing vessel to our planet, their advanced technology would absolutely destroy us, and do it quickly.

The second situation is that the visitors would be coming for first contact themselves in a peaceful sense. They’d likely see us as a planet worthy of joining an interstellar society. Think of Star Trek, The Orville, Star Wars, Contact or Arrival. They’d want to share secrets or learn about us, and not to harvest us or our planet.

In either case, any country on earth would be foolish to engage in warfare right away. If the visitors are violent, we’re doomed anyway and (thankfully) it will all end pretty quickly for us. If they are helpful, well, we’d miss out on a chance to gain further technological and societal knowledge, or they would destroy us to protect their own lives/society.

I guess there is a third option, though that would mean singular or non-societal visitors stopping by. In those cases, think of space pirates or smugglers trying to hide out, maybe there would be a stranded situation like E.T., Coneheads or Lilo & Stitch. Or I guess a singular “Predator”. Completely unlikely would be the bureaucratic destruction of the planet, a la Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, or a species that’s weirdly advanced, but bumbling idiots, like in the animated family movie Home.

Thinking of alien encounters/diplomacy usually leads me to think of the future of humanity — should we somehow not destroy ourselves and our planet either through trash (WALL-E) or nuclear war. Because I like to think of futurism as often as possible, I, for one, welcome our inevitable alien overlords. 

I actually find it saddening that I am living in yet another era of human history that is in constant denial of wanting to rapidly move society forward as quickly as possible.

I want our roads to feature fully autonomous vehicles only — thus taking the burden of poor human reactions and decision-making out of the mass amounts of transportation. Not only would it be safer, it would be more efficient in fuel savings. Plus I could play games or watch sports or movies instead of constantly worrying about a dude in a pickup truck thinking he’s cool for passing seven cars at 90 mph on Wis. 69 and leaving a trail of diesel smoke in his wake. (We get it, you’re overcompensating for both physical and emotional shortcomings by making a public spectacle.)

I’d also like to have computer chips implanted throughout my body, detecting to a software program what is ailing under my skin, so I don’t have to try to describe it 6-12 months down the line to a doctor, who has all of 15 minutes to get me in and out. 

I’d also like my DNA to be completely sequenced, and be alerted to which disorders (genetic or otherwise) I either have, or am likely to have. I want this done for my children, too. (Actually, I think if we all did this, it would make our society healthier, but today’s society is too worried about “big brother” to advance to this point).

Among the chips would also be one in the brain, so I could download an entire TV show, movie, podcast or music album to view/listen to for mere seconds, allowing me to instantly catch up on decades of pop culture entertainment.

I think we should advance our agricultural and farming systems away from land and into large, hydroponic farms. Heck, we could do it individually in our homes, let alone large, stacked farming structures. We could then avoid the added toxic chemicals (PFAS, etc.) as well as natural things (animal/bug grazing and weather events like floods and droughts) from destroying whole swaths of cropland and harvests. 

Don’t think it would work? There are farms that have already begun this process, including ones here in Wisconsin. For starters, there’s Warm Belly Farm in Fort Atkinson, Superior Farms in Hixton, Lake Orchard Farm in Sheboygan, KP Simply Fresh in North Freedom and Ernessi Farms in Ripon.

Want me to get crazier? Well, I’m going to anyway. I’ve been slowly thinking of this idea for more than a decade — floating cities. I’m not talking like a “Waterworld” disaster movie, but like, a 5-mile wide, circular, solid base floating structure that could house homes and businesses built with light, yet strong materials, like carbon fiber. Granted we would probably have to mine an asteroid to produce them, but with the icecaps melting and sea levels rising, that’s a lot of human migration that will be going on over the next 100 years that will intrude on a lot of already over-populated areas inland. Maybe dozens or hundreds of large floating structures is the way to go to spread things out.

With a structure that wide, waves wouldn’t crash deeply enough into it to sink it. Likely powered by wind and solar, it could move via propellers to further avoid hurricanes, cyclones and other bad weather. Water desalination stations would be obviously crucial, but hydroponic farming could keep the place pretty well fed.

Futurism is so cool to actually sit back and think about. From the technology, to the interstellar communication and transportation, to a world able to move past a social construct, like the monetary system, and just allow AI to take over virtually every task to aid humanity (think WALL-E, but without human-installed Directive A113 that allowed the auto-pilot override). Then again, it seems more people today would rather shake their fists at the outside world from their front door than to simply dream a little. Weirdos.

— Adam Krebs is the editor of the Times and can be reached at editor@themonroetimes.com. He dreams of retiring on Kauai with his family and a blue, six-legged pet dog named Experiment 626. IYKYK.