My friends, let me be the first to tell you, now more than ever, it is essential that we all chip in to pay our taxes! After all, the stimulus money has to come from somewhere.
This being my eighth year as a certified taxpayer, I have found the process to be quite simple and, yes, even bordering on the enjoyable! You see, the biggest problem with the IRS is that it is a poor marketer - it needs to establish tax time as a "fun time!" All too often, when people hear the word "tax," or make a reference to the IRS, it is in a negative light. Folks, I am here to tell you that it need not be.
By following my excruciatingly simple tax organizer, you too can see the value and satisfaction in this season of taxes. Heck, I'm already finished with mine! My 2008 taxes were all ready for submission, even before I received all of my W-2s. But, my friends, don't just take my word for it; just follow this plan and see for yourself:
Section A - Tax Eligibility. Please answer yes or no to the following: First, were you born on or before Jan. 1, 2015, but not before April 31, 1875 B.C.? Second, do you currently consider yourself breathing and have a body temperature exceeding that of the room? Congratulations! It actually doesn't matter how you answered those questions. Please proceed to the next section.
Section B - Prepayment on estimated 2008 Taxes. Did you prepay, according to a quarterly schedule, on your estimated 2008 taxes? If so, congratulations! You just gave the federal government a 12-month interest-free loan. Deduct nothing, and please attach Form 1098-SUCKER as documentation.
Section C - Reported Income. For employees, look at your W-2 Statement of Earnings. Add all the numbers you see on every W-2 you were issued. Multiply this by the number of times George W. Bush stuttered while in office. Shake well, add a splash of vermouth, and enter on line 666 on Form 1040. This is your Pretax Income.
For the self-employed, estimate value of all assets, should the federal government liquidate them. Multiply this figure by a billion. Divide it by the average number of times you clip your toenails annually. Count the number of clouds in the sky and add those two numbers, entering the total on line 666, Form 1040.
Section D - Nonreported Income. At this point please search all couch cushions, including car seats, and report the estimated change able to fit. Add this figure to that on line 666, Form 1040. Mix well, adding six beaten egg yolks. Sprinkle with cinnamon and bake for 10 hours.
Section E - Deductions. Please place all documentation concerning use of company vehicles, farm expenses, out-of-pocket educator costs, etc., etc. into a brown cardboard box. Drench with gasoline and ignite. Allow everything to burn to a crisp and scatter the ashes. For all 2008 deductions, guesstimate the number of silver dollars you think Barack Obama can bench-press. E-mail your guesstimate to Obama at 'husseininthemembrane@change&hope.gov'. Then, disregard this number - it has nothing to do with tax deductions.
NOTE: You MUST provide documentation for all deductions on your 2008 taxes.
Section F - Environmental Impact. If you burned anything in the past year, or watched a movie that had an explosion, or emitted carbon dioxide, assume a $1,000 debit per incident.
Section G - Miscellaneous Earning/Loss from Gambling. If you received a tip(s) in 2008, please add all unreported tips. Note: a "tip" is defined as a friend and/or coworker and/or complete stranger and/or family member and/or vision from God and/or epiphany and/or alien from outer space (or any combination thereof) telling you not to stick your finger in a light socket, not to urinate into the wind, etc., etc. For all Miscellaneous Earnings/Losses, please attach Form 1098-LOSER.
MANDATORY SECTION - Political Contributions. Would you like to donate $1 to the Presidential Re-election fund? (Sidenote - I always check "no" here. They're going to get that dollar no matter what; may as well make 'em work for it!) If you voted for McCain in 2008 and did NOT commit suicide in either November or January of 2008, 2009, respectively, congratulations - you are a trooper. You may add a one-dollar credit, taxable. If you voted for Obama in 2008, there is a 50 percent chance that you do not pay taxes in the first place. Pass Go, collect $200, and enjoy a Miller High-Life.
Section H - Almost Finished! Add all lines on this form together, whether they have parenthesis or not. Multiply by the number of chocolate chips currently in your household. (If no chocolate chips, then go to the grocery store). Add a $10,000 fine if a coffee stain appears anywhere on this form. If no coffee stain, add $10,000 just for the heck of it. Divide by the triangulated coordinates of the Earth, in relation to the center of the universe. Multiply by estimated amount of cash you'd receive if you sold your vital organs and sign below:
DECLARATION: By signing below I certify that I have no clue about anything on this form and authorize the IRS to pick a random number from a hat in regard to my 2008 Taxable Income.
You see, my friends, it is just that simple. It's too bad tax season comes but once a year! If you are like me, and think this is euphoric, just wait till the federal government takes control of health care!
- Dan Wegmueller is a columnist for The Monroe Times. He can be reached at dwegs@tds.net.
This being my eighth year as a certified taxpayer, I have found the process to be quite simple and, yes, even bordering on the enjoyable! You see, the biggest problem with the IRS is that it is a poor marketer - it needs to establish tax time as a "fun time!" All too often, when people hear the word "tax," or make a reference to the IRS, it is in a negative light. Folks, I am here to tell you that it need not be.
By following my excruciatingly simple tax organizer, you too can see the value and satisfaction in this season of taxes. Heck, I'm already finished with mine! My 2008 taxes were all ready for submission, even before I received all of my W-2s. But, my friends, don't just take my word for it; just follow this plan and see for yourself:
Section A - Tax Eligibility. Please answer yes or no to the following: First, were you born on or before Jan. 1, 2015, but not before April 31, 1875 B.C.? Second, do you currently consider yourself breathing and have a body temperature exceeding that of the room? Congratulations! It actually doesn't matter how you answered those questions. Please proceed to the next section.
Section B - Prepayment on estimated 2008 Taxes. Did you prepay, according to a quarterly schedule, on your estimated 2008 taxes? If so, congratulations! You just gave the federal government a 12-month interest-free loan. Deduct nothing, and please attach Form 1098-SUCKER as documentation.
Section C - Reported Income. For employees, look at your W-2 Statement of Earnings. Add all the numbers you see on every W-2 you were issued. Multiply this by the number of times George W. Bush stuttered while in office. Shake well, add a splash of vermouth, and enter on line 666 on Form 1040. This is your Pretax Income.
For the self-employed, estimate value of all assets, should the federal government liquidate them. Multiply this figure by a billion. Divide it by the average number of times you clip your toenails annually. Count the number of clouds in the sky and add those two numbers, entering the total on line 666, Form 1040.
Section D - Nonreported Income. At this point please search all couch cushions, including car seats, and report the estimated change able to fit. Add this figure to that on line 666, Form 1040. Mix well, adding six beaten egg yolks. Sprinkle with cinnamon and bake for 10 hours.
Section E - Deductions. Please place all documentation concerning use of company vehicles, farm expenses, out-of-pocket educator costs, etc., etc. into a brown cardboard box. Drench with gasoline and ignite. Allow everything to burn to a crisp and scatter the ashes. For all 2008 deductions, guesstimate the number of silver dollars you think Barack Obama can bench-press. E-mail your guesstimate to Obama at 'husseininthemembrane@change&hope.gov'. Then, disregard this number - it has nothing to do with tax deductions.
NOTE: You MUST provide documentation for all deductions on your 2008 taxes.
Section F - Environmental Impact. If you burned anything in the past year, or watched a movie that had an explosion, or emitted carbon dioxide, assume a $1,000 debit per incident.
Section G - Miscellaneous Earning/Loss from Gambling. If you received a tip(s) in 2008, please add all unreported tips. Note: a "tip" is defined as a friend and/or coworker and/or complete stranger and/or family member and/or vision from God and/or epiphany and/or alien from outer space (or any combination thereof) telling you not to stick your finger in a light socket, not to urinate into the wind, etc., etc. For all Miscellaneous Earnings/Losses, please attach Form 1098-LOSER.
MANDATORY SECTION - Political Contributions. Would you like to donate $1 to the Presidential Re-election fund? (Sidenote - I always check "no" here. They're going to get that dollar no matter what; may as well make 'em work for it!) If you voted for McCain in 2008 and did NOT commit suicide in either November or January of 2008, 2009, respectively, congratulations - you are a trooper. You may add a one-dollar credit, taxable. If you voted for Obama in 2008, there is a 50 percent chance that you do not pay taxes in the first place. Pass Go, collect $200, and enjoy a Miller High-Life.
Section H - Almost Finished! Add all lines on this form together, whether they have parenthesis or not. Multiply by the number of chocolate chips currently in your household. (If no chocolate chips, then go to the grocery store). Add a $10,000 fine if a coffee stain appears anywhere on this form. If no coffee stain, add $10,000 just for the heck of it. Divide by the triangulated coordinates of the Earth, in relation to the center of the universe. Multiply by estimated amount of cash you'd receive if you sold your vital organs and sign below:
DECLARATION: By signing below I certify that I have no clue about anything on this form and authorize the IRS to pick a random number from a hat in regard to my 2008 Taxable Income.
You see, my friends, it is just that simple. It's too bad tax season comes but once a year! If you are like me, and think this is euphoric, just wait till the federal government takes control of health care!
- Dan Wegmueller is a columnist for The Monroe Times. He can be reached at dwegs@tds.net.
