This week we are going to take a short break from my regular series of articles on World War II. We will rejoin Carl on Iwo Jima next week, but first I would like to address some points that continue to surface in the news.
At first, like so many of you, I was a bit upset when I learned of Governor Doyle's unreported travel expenses. At first I was leery of our nation's black hole of a budget deficit. And, I was really put off when I discovered that there is talk of shutting down America's interstate rest stops. I can live with the ambiguous and shady reporting practices of our elected officials, and I am not bothered that my unborn great-grandchildren are technically already in debt. But seriously, folks, why close the rest stops? Why destroy something that actually works as it is intended?
Then I realized that I was being a bit insensitive. For those of you who are unjustifiably upset about the current state of the union, this week I am going to treat you to a parody, again using my dairy farm as a catalyst for proving that the end always justifies the means. Just remember, heed not the arrogance of vague reporting, nor the seemingly shortsighted nature of deficit spending. Folks, remember that this is only a parody. I call it, "What if I ran my farm like the government?"
The first thing we have to learn is that size always matters, regardless of outcome or productivity. That's why I always keep my dairy herd at 70 head, for bragging rights. A herd of 70 cows is not bad, considering I've only been at it for a year and a half. If you join me and look out over the herd of girls, it truly looks impressive! But, don't look too closely - some of them are old retired milk cows, and I think there are a few steers mixed in. But, at least I can say I've got 70 cows. If my milk production does not reflect that, well, I'll just pour some water into the cooler.
When it comes to running an effective dairy farm, one must be willing to travel extensively - I have found this out the hard way. There is just simply no way I should be expected to adequately represent my operation while remaining stateside, so my sacrifice to the cows is that I am willing to partake on fact-finding missions once in a while - I owe it to them. The cows get the priceless benefit of being managed by someone who knows firsthand what the prevailing industries are in Argentina, Russia and Ireland, among others. Because this is a service to them, the cows will be expected to compensate me, naturally! If we come up short, well, I'll just dump some more water into the cooler.
With the falling milk price and rising cull rate (I am now below 70 head, curses!) it is time to issue some positive reports about my operation, just to make sure everyone knows how good we're doing. This is easy - the nature of dairy farming is that anytime a veterinarian, breeding technician, or milk tester visits a farm, they are inevitably pressed to report on the economic and social welfare of every other dairy operation in the vicinity. So long as I maintain optimism, and perhaps establish a break room with coffee and cake, I am set. If all else fails, I'll just pour some water into the test meters when my DHI Herd Tester has their back turned - then everyone will see how the situation here on the farm is on the rebound.
Oh, joy! The DHI test results came in the mail today. I have forgotten all about spiking the bulk tank with water, just look at my 30,000-pound herd average! Now that everything is improving, it is time to advocate my universal veterinarian healthcare plan for the girls. Until now, cows were treated based on milk performance. For example an open, non-producing cow would probably not get taken to UW-Madison for a sore foot - I would treat her myself. Well that is simply not fair; we obviously need our own private veterinarian. Unfortunately, only after hiring my own private, full-time vet do I realize how costly this really is. Seriously, over a hundred bucks an hour? Who's going to pay for that? I'll just double the lactations of my highest-producing cows to 610 days. If they drop on milk, I can simply juice them up with BGH (if I do it quietly while they are sleeping they'll never even know). Plus, I can always just add some more water to the cooler.
Well folks, if you have followed this parody this far, you probably already know what is coming. Not surprisingly, my milk has become so watered down, so devalued, that not even the Chinese - er, I mean, Torkelson Cheese Co. - will purchase it anymore. Only now do some start to question what is going on, and how this dilemma can be fixed.
There is an easy answer, a brilliant solution that makes perfect sense - you will wonder why you ever harbored any doubts! And, since my elected tenure - er, I mean word limit - is up, I'm sure my successor will have all the answers. And, should things continue to head south, you can simply blame them.
God bless!
- Dan Wegmueller is a columnist for The Monroe Times. He can be reached at dwegs@tds.net.
At first, like so many of you, I was a bit upset when I learned of Governor Doyle's unreported travel expenses. At first I was leery of our nation's black hole of a budget deficit. And, I was really put off when I discovered that there is talk of shutting down America's interstate rest stops. I can live with the ambiguous and shady reporting practices of our elected officials, and I am not bothered that my unborn great-grandchildren are technically already in debt. But seriously, folks, why close the rest stops? Why destroy something that actually works as it is intended?
Then I realized that I was being a bit insensitive. For those of you who are unjustifiably upset about the current state of the union, this week I am going to treat you to a parody, again using my dairy farm as a catalyst for proving that the end always justifies the means. Just remember, heed not the arrogance of vague reporting, nor the seemingly shortsighted nature of deficit spending. Folks, remember that this is only a parody. I call it, "What if I ran my farm like the government?"
The first thing we have to learn is that size always matters, regardless of outcome or productivity. That's why I always keep my dairy herd at 70 head, for bragging rights. A herd of 70 cows is not bad, considering I've only been at it for a year and a half. If you join me and look out over the herd of girls, it truly looks impressive! But, don't look too closely - some of them are old retired milk cows, and I think there are a few steers mixed in. But, at least I can say I've got 70 cows. If my milk production does not reflect that, well, I'll just pour some water into the cooler.
When it comes to running an effective dairy farm, one must be willing to travel extensively - I have found this out the hard way. There is just simply no way I should be expected to adequately represent my operation while remaining stateside, so my sacrifice to the cows is that I am willing to partake on fact-finding missions once in a while - I owe it to them. The cows get the priceless benefit of being managed by someone who knows firsthand what the prevailing industries are in Argentina, Russia and Ireland, among others. Because this is a service to them, the cows will be expected to compensate me, naturally! If we come up short, well, I'll just dump some more water into the cooler.
With the falling milk price and rising cull rate (I am now below 70 head, curses!) it is time to issue some positive reports about my operation, just to make sure everyone knows how good we're doing. This is easy - the nature of dairy farming is that anytime a veterinarian, breeding technician, or milk tester visits a farm, they are inevitably pressed to report on the economic and social welfare of every other dairy operation in the vicinity. So long as I maintain optimism, and perhaps establish a break room with coffee and cake, I am set. If all else fails, I'll just pour some water into the test meters when my DHI Herd Tester has their back turned - then everyone will see how the situation here on the farm is on the rebound.
Oh, joy! The DHI test results came in the mail today. I have forgotten all about spiking the bulk tank with water, just look at my 30,000-pound herd average! Now that everything is improving, it is time to advocate my universal veterinarian healthcare plan for the girls. Until now, cows were treated based on milk performance. For example an open, non-producing cow would probably not get taken to UW-Madison for a sore foot - I would treat her myself. Well that is simply not fair; we obviously need our own private veterinarian. Unfortunately, only after hiring my own private, full-time vet do I realize how costly this really is. Seriously, over a hundred bucks an hour? Who's going to pay for that? I'll just double the lactations of my highest-producing cows to 610 days. If they drop on milk, I can simply juice them up with BGH (if I do it quietly while they are sleeping they'll never even know). Plus, I can always just add some more water to the cooler.
Well folks, if you have followed this parody this far, you probably already know what is coming. Not surprisingly, my milk has become so watered down, so devalued, that not even the Chinese - er, I mean, Torkelson Cheese Co. - will purchase it anymore. Only now do some start to question what is going on, and how this dilemma can be fixed.
There is an easy answer, a brilliant solution that makes perfect sense - you will wonder why you ever harbored any doubts! And, since my elected tenure - er, I mean word limit - is up, I'm sure my successor will have all the answers. And, should things continue to head south, you can simply blame them.
God bless!
- Dan Wegmueller is a columnist for The Monroe Times. He can be reached at dwegs@tds.net.
