This week we are going to do something a little bit different, and I do plan on having some fun here. It is about time we explored the vast depths of movie reviews. After all, Hollywood, celebrities and picture films are such a vital ingredient to pop culture that they cannot be ignored. Now, the movie reviews that follow are not what you would expect from a typical mainstream critic. This is because any fool can go to the theater and scribble up a generic review of any one of a number of "schlockbuster" Hollywood hits.
As people like Michael Bay, Steven Spielberg and J.J. Abrams all try to outdo each other (Seriously, how many times can Star Trek be remade? Can't they just let it die?), let us sit back and let them squabble. What I am interested in, and what I have the most fun with, are the movies that get no media attention. These are the films that are written, cast, produced and screened in near perfect anonymity. These are the movies we shall focus on today. But first, a little history:
On a regular basis, I get together with friends for "Random Movie Night." In this once-a-month tradition we seek out and find the most intellectually offensive, most awful movie imaginable. The night of viewing is a big deal - we make dinner, build a fire in the fireplace, and bring the mandatory case of Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR). We then remove the DVD from its Netflix envelope and prepare to be entertained.
Finally, before I introduce to you the movies, I must explain my ingenious, patented "PBR Movie Rating System." Any fool can give a film a three- or four-star rating - what the heck is that, anyway? I give a movie it's rating based on the number of PBRs it takes to make the movie interesting. For example, if I say a film is a "three," you'd better have three PBRs down before the opening credits are through - only then will you fully appreciate the movie. The ingeniousness behind this ratings system is, that if you choose to go over my suggested rating, the movie only gets better! Let's get started.
Every experiment needs a control. For this purpose, I have chosen the film "Team America, World Police." This film gets a rating of "zero," because it requires no PBRs to be enjoyable (although I would recommend having some on hand - the movie only gets better). Team America is intellectHually perfect - there is no other way to describe it. If you were to take a snapshot of the world and boil down the entire human existence, including all cultures, fetishes, tastes and political beliefs into a two hour-long vulgar and satirical production, this is what it would look like. After all, Chuck, there are only three types of people in the world.
Onwards to the more obscure! I mentioned that my Random Movie Night tends to center around random, sometimes intellectually offensive titles - be sure to keep that in mind. My next review is of 2008's "Zombie Strippers!" starring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund. If you do not recognize those names, trust me, no amount of PBR will make you like this movie. I give it a rating of six, because in every way imaginable - acting, special effects, acting, plot and acting - it is awful. In short, a secret government experiment accidentally releases a deadly virus into an underground nightclub, turning the dancers into flesh-hungry zombies. Better have at least a six-pack down for this one.
The title alone sold us on the next film, which is 2008's "Trailer Park of Terror." Basically, a beautiful young girl makes a deal with the devil (played by Trace Atkins) to get revenge on the chauvinistic thugs who try to rule her life in their trailer park. This is zombie gore at its best, but don't get fooled - the camera effects, filming and particularly the acting make this movie worthwhile, especially since it does not try to have a plot. I give this movie a coveted rating of "Two." It is humorous and highly quotable, which always is a plus. Additionally, the special features contain hilarious tongue-in-cheek director interviews with the zombies. The most memorable line is from Sgt. Stank: "Ya know, being a zombie totally screws me up - I lose half my day."
Our last review is of a New Zealand production called "Black Sheep." Let me read to you what is on the jacket, and yes, this is for real: "On a quiet New Zealand ranch, a genetic experiment has gone horribly wrong, transforming a docile flock of sheep into killers hungry for human blood. Those they bite become ravenous were-sheep. ... Who will live, and who will be the next victim of the vicious killer sheep?" I have to wonder, how many kids in New Zealand cannot sleep at night because of this movie? This film gets a rating of three, mainly because a tedious and messy plot makes the first 30 minutes almost unbearable. Notably, the main character is undergoing therapy because of his unnatural phobia of, you guessed it: Sheep. The most memorable moment comes when a killer sheep drives a truck off a cliff. Upon crashing, the truck crumples, with no explosion. Had Black Sheep been a stupid Michael Bay or Jerry Bruckheimer production, it would have exploded even before leaving the cliff, shards of molten metal would have ignited an offshore oil refinery, the concussion of which probably would have brought down the International Space Station.
All in all, this film - as well as the others - was refreshingly idiotic. Until my next Random Movie Night, cherrio!
- Dan Wegmueller is a columnist for The Monroe Times. He can be reached at dwegs@tds.net.
As people like Michael Bay, Steven Spielberg and J.J. Abrams all try to outdo each other (Seriously, how many times can Star Trek be remade? Can't they just let it die?), let us sit back and let them squabble. What I am interested in, and what I have the most fun with, are the movies that get no media attention. These are the films that are written, cast, produced and screened in near perfect anonymity. These are the movies we shall focus on today. But first, a little history:
On a regular basis, I get together with friends for "Random Movie Night." In this once-a-month tradition we seek out and find the most intellectually offensive, most awful movie imaginable. The night of viewing is a big deal - we make dinner, build a fire in the fireplace, and bring the mandatory case of Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR). We then remove the DVD from its Netflix envelope and prepare to be entertained.
Finally, before I introduce to you the movies, I must explain my ingenious, patented "PBR Movie Rating System." Any fool can give a film a three- or four-star rating - what the heck is that, anyway? I give a movie it's rating based on the number of PBRs it takes to make the movie interesting. For example, if I say a film is a "three," you'd better have three PBRs down before the opening credits are through - only then will you fully appreciate the movie. The ingeniousness behind this ratings system is, that if you choose to go over my suggested rating, the movie only gets better! Let's get started.
Every experiment needs a control. For this purpose, I have chosen the film "Team America, World Police." This film gets a rating of "zero," because it requires no PBRs to be enjoyable (although I would recommend having some on hand - the movie only gets better). Team America is intellectHually perfect - there is no other way to describe it. If you were to take a snapshot of the world and boil down the entire human existence, including all cultures, fetishes, tastes and political beliefs into a two hour-long vulgar and satirical production, this is what it would look like. After all, Chuck, there are only three types of people in the world.
Onwards to the more obscure! I mentioned that my Random Movie Night tends to center around random, sometimes intellectually offensive titles - be sure to keep that in mind. My next review is of 2008's "Zombie Strippers!" starring Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund. If you do not recognize those names, trust me, no amount of PBR will make you like this movie. I give it a rating of six, because in every way imaginable - acting, special effects, acting, plot and acting - it is awful. In short, a secret government experiment accidentally releases a deadly virus into an underground nightclub, turning the dancers into flesh-hungry zombies. Better have at least a six-pack down for this one.
The title alone sold us on the next film, which is 2008's "Trailer Park of Terror." Basically, a beautiful young girl makes a deal with the devil (played by Trace Atkins) to get revenge on the chauvinistic thugs who try to rule her life in their trailer park. This is zombie gore at its best, but don't get fooled - the camera effects, filming and particularly the acting make this movie worthwhile, especially since it does not try to have a plot. I give this movie a coveted rating of "Two." It is humorous and highly quotable, which always is a plus. Additionally, the special features contain hilarious tongue-in-cheek director interviews with the zombies. The most memorable line is from Sgt. Stank: "Ya know, being a zombie totally screws me up - I lose half my day."
Our last review is of a New Zealand production called "Black Sheep." Let me read to you what is on the jacket, and yes, this is for real: "On a quiet New Zealand ranch, a genetic experiment has gone horribly wrong, transforming a docile flock of sheep into killers hungry for human blood. Those they bite become ravenous were-sheep. ... Who will live, and who will be the next victim of the vicious killer sheep?" I have to wonder, how many kids in New Zealand cannot sleep at night because of this movie? This film gets a rating of three, mainly because a tedious and messy plot makes the first 30 minutes almost unbearable. Notably, the main character is undergoing therapy because of his unnatural phobia of, you guessed it: Sheep. The most memorable moment comes when a killer sheep drives a truck off a cliff. Upon crashing, the truck crumples, with no explosion. Had Black Sheep been a stupid Michael Bay or Jerry Bruckheimer production, it would have exploded even before leaving the cliff, shards of molten metal would have ignited an offshore oil refinery, the concussion of which probably would have brought down the International Space Station.
All in all, this film - as well as the others - was refreshingly idiotic. Until my next Random Movie Night, cherrio!
- Dan Wegmueller is a columnist for The Monroe Times. He can be reached at dwegs@tds.net.
