My life has always had undertones of goofiness. Orderly and predictable are not words to describe my comings and goings. Fifty percent of this relates to my being a little haphazard. Another 50 percent is because I'm absentminded; the final fifty percent comes down to the karma of the cosmos (and the fact that I stink at math).
I believe I was born sort of kind of next to some type of black hole of illogical logic. I don't think I'm alone in this predicament. (All those who may be holed up with me feel free to applaud now.)
Sometimes things just don't make sense - in a way that makes you want to say, "Really?" Lately, I've found myself with an increased sensitivity to the senselessness, and have decided to document my observations. Here are the things that have actually happened - and are too embarrassing for anyone to have made them up anyway - in my real, recent life. Anything like this ever happen to you? (Please say "Yes.")
n I kept getting Internet access fees tacked on my dumb phone bill and couldn't figure out how or when the phone was surfing the web (which apparently it was) so I had to block my own cell phone from online usage. What's next? I'm thinking about unfriending myself on Facebook.
n Ever woke yourself up because you were snoring too loud? Me neither.
n I'll be talking to one of my kids, but call him by another of my kids' names. Without missing a beat, I keep going - naming all the names of all the people in my family until finally, hopefully, I stumble upon the correct one.
n I went to the store for dog food and came out an hour later - after spending well over $100 - carrying five large bags. I got home and my logical and non-haphazard husband asked, "Where's the dog food?" His words were like nails on a chalkboard and at that moment I'm sure I could have been the poster child for the expression, deer in the headlights.
n Don't ask me to recite anyone's phone number, because I don't know phone numbers anymore. My dumb phone is smart enough to do that for me.
n I often hide food - like the good chocolate - and forget where it is. When I happen upon the stash at a later date, I am happily surprised with my good fortune. I haven't yet slipped and hid the ice cream in a non-refrigerated cupboard, but I fear it's a distinct possibility.
n My youngest son was sleeping over at a friend's house and I reminded him to bring his toothbrush. (He forgot last time.) I told him to put it in a baggy to avoid unwanted germs; you can't be too careful about germs. Later, when I went to brush my teeth, I noted my own toothbrush was missing. Seems young son and I had been sharing the same tooth-cleaning implement for weeks.
n I returned from grocery shopping and managed to lose the newly bought bread somewhere between the garage and kitchen. I found it later in the basement. Don't ask.
n The very same day, I returned to the store (because I'd forgotten dog food) and grabbed a multi-pack of socks for my boys because there weren't any clean ones at home and I knew I wasn't going to get to the laundry anytime soon. (Even though I obviously figured a way to make multiple trips to the superstore.)
Unfortunately, I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Cell phone confusion, grocery gaffes and toothbrush calamities aside, two truths can be said about a busy, imperfect life: it can be humbling and it can be fulfilling. Mine is both. Luckily I enjoy laughing - even when it is mostly at myself. Needless to say, I'm getting plenty opportunities to do that these days.
- Jill Pertler's column appears every Thursday in the Times. She can be reached at pertmn@qwest.net.
I believe I was born sort of kind of next to some type of black hole of illogical logic. I don't think I'm alone in this predicament. (All those who may be holed up with me feel free to applaud now.)
Sometimes things just don't make sense - in a way that makes you want to say, "Really?" Lately, I've found myself with an increased sensitivity to the senselessness, and have decided to document my observations. Here are the things that have actually happened - and are too embarrassing for anyone to have made them up anyway - in my real, recent life. Anything like this ever happen to you? (Please say "Yes.")
n I kept getting Internet access fees tacked on my dumb phone bill and couldn't figure out how or when the phone was surfing the web (which apparently it was) so I had to block my own cell phone from online usage. What's next? I'm thinking about unfriending myself on Facebook.
n Ever woke yourself up because you were snoring too loud? Me neither.
n I'll be talking to one of my kids, but call him by another of my kids' names. Without missing a beat, I keep going - naming all the names of all the people in my family until finally, hopefully, I stumble upon the correct one.
n I went to the store for dog food and came out an hour later - after spending well over $100 - carrying five large bags. I got home and my logical and non-haphazard husband asked, "Where's the dog food?" His words were like nails on a chalkboard and at that moment I'm sure I could have been the poster child for the expression, deer in the headlights.
n Don't ask me to recite anyone's phone number, because I don't know phone numbers anymore. My dumb phone is smart enough to do that for me.
n I often hide food - like the good chocolate - and forget where it is. When I happen upon the stash at a later date, I am happily surprised with my good fortune. I haven't yet slipped and hid the ice cream in a non-refrigerated cupboard, but I fear it's a distinct possibility.
n My youngest son was sleeping over at a friend's house and I reminded him to bring his toothbrush. (He forgot last time.) I told him to put it in a baggy to avoid unwanted germs; you can't be too careful about germs. Later, when I went to brush my teeth, I noted my own toothbrush was missing. Seems young son and I had been sharing the same tooth-cleaning implement for weeks.
n I returned from grocery shopping and managed to lose the newly bought bread somewhere between the garage and kitchen. I found it later in the basement. Don't ask.
n The very same day, I returned to the store (because I'd forgotten dog food) and grabbed a multi-pack of socks for my boys because there weren't any clean ones at home and I knew I wasn't going to get to the laundry anytime soon. (Even though I obviously figured a way to make multiple trips to the superstore.)
Unfortunately, I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Cell phone confusion, grocery gaffes and toothbrush calamities aside, two truths can be said about a busy, imperfect life: it can be humbling and it can be fulfilling. Mine is both. Luckily I enjoy laughing - even when it is mostly at myself. Needless to say, I'm getting plenty opportunities to do that these days.
- Jill Pertler's column appears every Thursday in the Times. She can be reached at pertmn@qwest.net.
