My friends, rarely do I use this valuable space as a means for venting, but I swear that February has to be the worst month of the year!
In February, we find ourselves in a gruesome limbo between winter and spring. It is too mushy and spongy to accomplish anything of value outside, yet the temperature outdoors is just warm enough and inviting enough to prohibit constructive indoor work. In a real-life example, consider my past few days:
I have just completed a long-anticipated project of trimming the Weeping Willow in my front yard. Folks, I do not even know how to begin describing this thing - my willow tree makes the kid-eating tree from the movie "Poltergeist" look like Hello Kitty. Seriously, it had branches going off in as many tangents, some of which were twice the diameter of my chainsaw's cutter bar. Dragging the trunks made a 115-horsepower, four-wheel drive tractor grunt, and was only possible because up until two days ago, my front lawn was as solidly frozen as the surface of Pluto. Now the project is done and the tree looks, well, humorously better. I'm hoping the drunk and unruly tree fills out once spring arrives. In the meantime, it looks like a 70-foot tall toothpick with a tuft of hair on top.
Now today, I decided to finally rip into my laundry room. Time to do some painting. I did the mandatory taping, and pulled the washer and dryer away from the wall - nothing worse than a big blank spot behind an appliance! Eew, gross; apparently the linoleum underneath these appliances has not been cleaned since the 1970s! I swept up a pile of hair large enough to make a wig for Kenny Chesney - he actually could've been cool in the '80s. Ugh - after spending my entire morning taping, sweeping and laying down plastic, I just cannot bring myself to pick up a paint roller.
If the month of February were a hairstyle, it would be a mullet.
Adding insult to injury, I fired up my MacBook - time to write this week's article! An hour later, my screen still was blank. Maybe I can find some inspiration on the Internet ... I checked my favorite Web site, MSN, for relationship advice - such intriguing topics as "Seven Signs He's About to Propose" have spawned many ideas in the past. But, nope, not today! MSN was wholly devoid of relationship advice. Instead, I clicked on the enticing topic of "Worst Movie Sequels Ever," and my day got worse when I was reminded that yes, there was a "Caddyshack II."
I even resorted to the Sports and Entertainment sections. Folks, I have to ask: What exactly is an "A-Rod?" I keep hearing this term pop up, but never with an explanation. If someone ever called me an "A-Rod," well; I probably cannot write what I would do. Checking out the Entertainment section, I was suddenly aware that I am not the only author scratching for material in the month of February. I mean, seriously, check out this headline: "What the stars should give up for Lent." I have to ask, who on God's green earth seriously cares?
My computer screen still blank, I took a break and set out to retrieve my mail, each step leaving a squishy crater in my gravel driveway. Nothing! My mailbox was completely empty, except for a random advertisement for DirecTV. This always makes me laugh - I am constantly getting bombarded by "deals" and "promotions" for satellite television. Folks, I don't even have a cell phone!
Back in the office, I decided to check the local news. Lately I have noticed there has been a great deal of criticism directed at TDS for its recent switch to Google's 'gmail'. Folks, I can honestly tell you that this switch was the right thing to do. Don't you know? Google already controls everything. They know who you are. They know where you live. They are watching you, right now. They know what Web sites you frequent, how you click your mouse, even whether or not you stick out your pinky-fingers when you type.
Besides, I don't know about you, but recently I've been feeling a bit insecure about my e-mails. My correspondences were dropping off, and idolatrous letters were showing hints of declining. Well, no more! Now, thanks to my friends "Viagra," "Add Three Inches in Three Days," "Get Your Stimulus Money Now!" and "Please Help I'm a Trustworthy Attorney in Kazakhstan with an Exciting Offer," my inbox is never short of stuffed. Thank you, Google, oh benevolent supreme dictator of the Internet.
So, my friends, my usual sources of inspiration running dry, I just started typing. After all, one of the very first writing tips I ever picked up was just start writing, and ideas will come.
Holy cow - I am nearly at my word limit! Well folks, I do have some exciting and positive news to report! First off, starting next week, we shall resume the series of articles on World War II that I left off on just before Christmas. Second, in a small tribute to my two favorite characters from The Muppet Show, I will leave you with this thought:
Do you know what the best part of February is? It's over! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!
- Dan Wegmueller is a columnist for The Monroe Times. He can be reached at dwegs@tds.net.
In February, we find ourselves in a gruesome limbo between winter and spring. It is too mushy and spongy to accomplish anything of value outside, yet the temperature outdoors is just warm enough and inviting enough to prohibit constructive indoor work. In a real-life example, consider my past few days:
I have just completed a long-anticipated project of trimming the Weeping Willow in my front yard. Folks, I do not even know how to begin describing this thing - my willow tree makes the kid-eating tree from the movie "Poltergeist" look like Hello Kitty. Seriously, it had branches going off in as many tangents, some of which were twice the diameter of my chainsaw's cutter bar. Dragging the trunks made a 115-horsepower, four-wheel drive tractor grunt, and was only possible because up until two days ago, my front lawn was as solidly frozen as the surface of Pluto. Now the project is done and the tree looks, well, humorously better. I'm hoping the drunk and unruly tree fills out once spring arrives. In the meantime, it looks like a 70-foot tall toothpick with a tuft of hair on top.
Now today, I decided to finally rip into my laundry room. Time to do some painting. I did the mandatory taping, and pulled the washer and dryer away from the wall - nothing worse than a big blank spot behind an appliance! Eew, gross; apparently the linoleum underneath these appliances has not been cleaned since the 1970s! I swept up a pile of hair large enough to make a wig for Kenny Chesney - he actually could've been cool in the '80s. Ugh - after spending my entire morning taping, sweeping and laying down plastic, I just cannot bring myself to pick up a paint roller.
If the month of February were a hairstyle, it would be a mullet.
Adding insult to injury, I fired up my MacBook - time to write this week's article! An hour later, my screen still was blank. Maybe I can find some inspiration on the Internet ... I checked my favorite Web site, MSN, for relationship advice - such intriguing topics as "Seven Signs He's About to Propose" have spawned many ideas in the past. But, nope, not today! MSN was wholly devoid of relationship advice. Instead, I clicked on the enticing topic of "Worst Movie Sequels Ever," and my day got worse when I was reminded that yes, there was a "Caddyshack II."
I even resorted to the Sports and Entertainment sections. Folks, I have to ask: What exactly is an "A-Rod?" I keep hearing this term pop up, but never with an explanation. If someone ever called me an "A-Rod," well; I probably cannot write what I would do. Checking out the Entertainment section, I was suddenly aware that I am not the only author scratching for material in the month of February. I mean, seriously, check out this headline: "What the stars should give up for Lent." I have to ask, who on God's green earth seriously cares?
My computer screen still blank, I took a break and set out to retrieve my mail, each step leaving a squishy crater in my gravel driveway. Nothing! My mailbox was completely empty, except for a random advertisement for DirecTV. This always makes me laugh - I am constantly getting bombarded by "deals" and "promotions" for satellite television. Folks, I don't even have a cell phone!
Back in the office, I decided to check the local news. Lately I have noticed there has been a great deal of criticism directed at TDS for its recent switch to Google's 'gmail'. Folks, I can honestly tell you that this switch was the right thing to do. Don't you know? Google already controls everything. They know who you are. They know where you live. They are watching you, right now. They know what Web sites you frequent, how you click your mouse, even whether or not you stick out your pinky-fingers when you type.
Besides, I don't know about you, but recently I've been feeling a bit insecure about my e-mails. My correspondences were dropping off, and idolatrous letters were showing hints of declining. Well, no more! Now, thanks to my friends "Viagra," "Add Three Inches in Three Days," "Get Your Stimulus Money Now!" and "Please Help I'm a Trustworthy Attorney in Kazakhstan with an Exciting Offer," my inbox is never short of stuffed. Thank you, Google, oh benevolent supreme dictator of the Internet.
So, my friends, my usual sources of inspiration running dry, I just started typing. After all, one of the very first writing tips I ever picked up was just start writing, and ideas will come.
Holy cow - I am nearly at my word limit! Well folks, I do have some exciting and positive news to report! First off, starting next week, we shall resume the series of articles on World War II that I left off on just before Christmas. Second, in a small tribute to my two favorite characters from The Muppet Show, I will leave you with this thought:
Do you know what the best part of February is? It's over! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!
- Dan Wegmueller is a columnist for The Monroe Times. He can be reached at dwegs@tds.net.
